In Deep Thoughts

QUIET MORNINGS, SERENE NIGHTS AND RAINY WEATHER

2005-10-17T03:57:00.000+08:00

QUIET MORNINGS, SERENE NIGHTS & RAINY WEATHER

Those are the period of times when I will just stop to think and reflect on life in general, regardless whether it is mine or others.

When you are all alone, when your surroundings is so peaceful, you can't help but wonder about people and their ways.

Some seek money, fortune and fame. They will work night and day and pride themselves to be known as the 'goal-oriented' people. But where will all go when you realize your time on Earth ends now?

Some make sure they know how to dress up in the most presentable, alluring manner. They want to constantly look irresistable and spend lots of money preserving their outer beauty. But who is really more attractive, I wonder, when one ends up in the grave, surrounded and wrapped by earthen creatures?

Some prize themselves with the most expensive clothes. The latest couture. The branded goods. The most inexpensive jewellery, diamonds and gems. Anything to make themselves look a million bucks. I wonder how they might feel when they end up wrapped in cheap cotton cloth instead?

I wonder...

I AM HER

2005-10-13T12:06:00.000+08:00

I AM HER...

I AM.....

that girl who learns by observing others
that girl who is actually afraid of people judging her
that girl who values friendships a lot
that girl who ensures that she make an imprint of herself in your life
that girl who never reach her fullest potential
that girl who is sick in the head sometimes
that girl who is leadership phobic since 2001
that girl who hates people who pushes her around
that girl who hates men who are chavaunistic, attention seeking, arrogant, try too hard to impress and irritating
that girl who hates men who finds herself threatening
that girl who hates men who have no respect for women
that girl who hates people who have backstabbed her
that girl who forgives eventually but never, ever forget
that girl who dislikes people who tells the whole world their conclusions or judgements of the world, or the system in Singapore but have no prior experience of how life actually is in Singapore. Shame on you. You are a Singaporean and yet you condemn it as if you've been victimised before, which you have not. So till you actually experience something, I suggest you keep mum.
that girl who dislikes racism.
that girl who loves Islam.
that girl who loves her family and friends
that girl who are very protective over her loved ones
that girl who wanted to be a Gynaecologist, read pregnancy books in bookstores, and end up being a teacher instead.
that girl who holds her pee by walking round in circles
that girl whom you say "I had to force myself to love you"
that girl who went through depression and be saved by her religion
that girl who is loud and can be sometimes outright vulgar
that girl who has been plump...like...forever..
that girl who cannot stand rudeness
that girl who is strict...sometimes
that girl who loves Mao
that girl who loves Cambodia
that girl who loves playing with children
that girl who people mistook as anti-social (what a joke!)
that girl who mistook as arrogant
that girl who has a fierce aura but actually a sweet gal inside
that girl who has quite a strong character...sometimes too strong for others and herself..
that girl who just can't get along with a Malay crowd
that girl who somehow finds out whether she's been invited or not
that girl who reads other's body language well
that girl who eventually finds out the truth or whatever that has been around her even though people think she don't know because she don't seem to be in the middle of the whole picture
that girl who chooses the people she wants to be open with
that girl who just wants to be herself
that girl who finally manages to let it go and relax...for once..
that girl who is sensitive
that girl who can have mood swings and be quite unpredictable
that girl who loves Sims
that girl who never ever belong to a big group...normally a smaller one...the most is 5
that girl who loves romance novels, Rohinton Mistry's books, Jane Austen, Susan Elizabeth Phillips.....
that girl who loves and is ever so crazy about EGYPTOLOGY
that girl who loves jazz, classical and music that has no lyrics
that girl who was once a bully in kindergarten...hehe
that girl who hates to pretend...y pretend when I can just keep quiet and not say anything to hurt others...the worst thing that could happen is the norm...people judging me as scary, serious, weird, arrogant and anti-social...sad isn't?
that girl who does feel shy but never admits it
that girl who constantly seeks the truth and prefers not to lie to herself
that girl who falls in love easily
that girl who hates to be vulnerable
that girl who used to be very competitive
that girl who has confidence and belief in herself
that girl who yearns to love and be loved....

The Long Awaited Silence

2005-10-09T06:13:00.000+08:00

THE LONG AWAITED SILENCE

Yes...A long, long wait it has been. I'm back for now. I'm not too sure when will be the next time I will blog because I can see myself very, very busy for the next few weeks till Hari Raya. My assignments are up to my neck, hogging and haunting me, ripping me off my sanity really. So lots of updates to do. Here I go again.....

SEPTEMBER

My birthday falls on the 28th of September 2005. Lovely day I must say! It wasn't extravagant or anything like that. Just simple and very sweet. That week was very memorable to me. I managed to catch up with many of my close friends who have long been quiet due to their obligations in school/work. Actually, the birthday mood sets in when I received a birthday card all the way from Melbourne, Australia...FROM NONIE!!! THANKS BABE!..

So I would like to take this time, to thank all of those who had wished me HAPPY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR (according to time):

Nonie ( Thanks for the birthday card)
D (Thanks for the advance wish)
Yenny (LOved talking to you on the phone)
Shak (Even though you mixed up the dates, it was still advance...thanks! OH and the call that I missed on the night itself...)
Mas ( Thanks for the Advance birthday wish)
Ariana (Thanks for the call all the way from Perth on the eve of my birthday!! I love u lots gal! Gd luck for ur exams...and yes, all the gossips...juicy!!)
HAKIM ( I love you so much. Hopefully next year we are able to celebrate together yah!)
My Parents (Blood is thicker than water...I love you guys)
Su ( Thank you for wishing me early in the morning)
Norlin (Thanks babe! THanks a lot for the sms)
Qiaohui ( Though we didn't celebrate together, thanks for the wish too)
Dewi ( See you in Practicum 2!)
Josephine ( Thanks for the birthday song!)
Ihsan ( We had a gd time catching up. Thanks for the wish and all the best for your future endeavours!)
Shera (This babe sent me an sms wishing me happy birthday...Thanks huns...Read on and i'll continue your tag yah..)
Ayu ( Thank you creative gal! I have always regarded her as the very creative one..hehe..thank dear)
Lis (Awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak! Thank you for your birthday wish lah!)
Jihan ( Babe, without you, I'm friendless...lol...thanks huns)
Rozali (Thanks dear...thanks a lot...thank you for remembering)
Rafiq (My biological Bro...I love you...always)
Jowena and Callie (Thanks for singing to me...lol)
Angeline (An Angel indeed! She bought me a pink rose! I loved it very much..tahnk u dear)
Zahara ( Thanks ah babe...Chill!)
MAriam ( Thanks sooo much....i dunnoe howelse I can thank you..)
Selva (We didn't meet up ...nonetheless...thanks)
Banu ( Thanks Banu....thank u very much)
Jamilah (Thank you for declaring your love to me on your blog sis! Hehe)

I feel very loved somehow. No prezzies, but the wishes were enuff to send my sms inbox flooding...hehe THANK YOU ALL.

Ok...I've been tagged by Shera and I'm supposed to be writing about 3 things people do not know me. I'm going to do just that but a lot more. I've been inspired by Dungme's entry on..."I am Her"...Hence, I will reveal more about myself in that entry, which is right after this one. So Shera, you'll get more than what you bargain for...hehe...anyways..I've been wanting to write more about myself also..so go read that entry people....

SELAMAT BERPUASA TO ALL MY MUSLIM FRIENDS. TOGETHER, WE SHALL PRAY AND HOPE THAT ALLAH WILL PROTECT OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN PAKISTAN ...AND THE REST OF THE WORLD TOO....

Ramadhan always have a place in my heart. I just hope with all the assignments flooding my schedule and free time, my ibadat will not be affected...I hope so...and shall ensure I try to make the fullest of this year's Ramadhan.

Till then, peace to all!

WEAK

2005-09-13T14:27:00.000+08:00

WEAK

I've never felt so weak since a long, long time. I feel helpless too. My body have just grown really weak over the past 4 days. I became too weak to reply my friends' smses and calls. I can't even do my work and I can literally envisioned my one week holiday schedule going down the drain because of my condition. In fact, I became too weak to even eat. All I do is eat my medicine, puke and sleep.

Nah, it's not the cold I had last week. My nose has recovered long ago. I was already well on the way to a healthy body by Friday night. That's when I can afford to go out at night with Callie and watch Quidam. It was awesome and I really felt as if I've been transported to another world where imagination becomes real and life is not so square after all.

It started on Saturday afternoon. My stomach felt real queasy and my head felt like as if it had been knocked many times by a hammer. I ate my previous medicines to relieve pain, only to have worsened my condition by Sunday morning. I know my stomach is hungry, but everytime I tried to eat, I cannot finish even half of the plate of food in front of me. It became really tiresome to eat. I could sense something wasn't right with my stomach while my head was still pounding as hard as ever.

Monday morning, I realized that I have to call it quits. I cannot stand the pain anymore and decided to pay the doctor a visit. Diagnosis: I have Gastric Flu and an unknown or unspecified headache.

I ate my medicine and I had to cancel any prior engagements with my friends with regards to any assignment this week. It's my one week break. Just when I thought I could have a head start with things and though of doing much catching up with school work, I have fallen physically ill. When it's time for you to fall ill, noone can prevent that from happening. So even though I'm not too glad, I have to be patient. Real patient and pray that it will all go away soon.

The medicine was supposed to neutrilize the pH balance in my stomach. Yes, I became very gassy and burped a whole lot more lately (nah, not much came out the rear end though, if u must know!). Eversince, I've taken the new meds yesterday, I can sense changes to my bodily reactions.

THE GOOD: No more headaches. It's easing up a little bit by bit. My stomach does not feel so queasy. It's regaining normality slowly...however...

THE BAD: I have to puke first. I have puked twice. Only after puking do I feel better. EAting has become such a chore. Though I could feel myself regaining it's apetite, I still feel a little discomfort after eating very little food. It's worst after I took my meds. An hour after the meds enters my digestive system, I will puke, involuntarily. I puked once last night, sitting in front of the toilet bowl, waiting and hoping the torture will end soon. Another time just now, while I was in Geylang with my parents. Yes, in public. But no, I didn't puke in front of everyone. I found a secluded place for myself to puke. I puke liquids out of my stomach. It was painful but thereafter, I felt much better. Now I know or could guess how it feels to be pregnant (btw I'm not ok). You puke and puke and U feel so drained after that.

Though I'm recovering slowly, I cannot help but worry over the pile of work that needs to be done. I'm running out of time really since my weekends will be occupied with my kuzzin's wedding. All I can do is to take care of myself, eat carefully, take my meds, get lots of rest and pray and hope it'll all be fine soon. Once I have recovered, to the books I shall perservere..

I THINK I'M DONE

2005-09-07T18:57:00.000+08:00

I THINK I'M DONE

Hmm...don't worry I'm not dead...at least not yet.

I've been sick since Monday. Naturally I thought it was just bouts of sinus. However, I could not stand the headaches anymore and decided to take half-day off yesterday. I went home, visited the doctor and went dozing away for 4 hours till Maghrib.

Ate dinner and still I was drowsy. But I cannot sleep for the ETE presentation today was bugging me. I know there was something still incomplete about the hard copy. Managed to conference with Fidah over the phone last night. This time, really tie up the loose ends. Then I took my meds and slip into unconcious mode till 5.45am.

This morning, I had difficulty remembering my lines. The effects of my meds were still lingering. I purposely wear bright colours so as to cover up my state of drowsiness. The time came for our presentation. My comments.... Hmm.. it was ok. Alhamdulillah it went quite well. It could have been better. But the both of us were kinda nervous and we tripped over our words. So oklah. Dr Maha made some feedback with regards to everyone's presentation in general. I was too drowsy to absorb and register fully what she had commented. So I didn't feel much.

Later was EED 247. I was just waiting for it to end. Finally it ended and I rushed to meet my tutors and pass them my MCs. Made a visit to the SAS to hand in my MC too. Then went home with Angel and Jo. We had lunch at the Banquet in JP. Afterwards, we all went home.

I slept in the train soundly. Thanks to the meds I took after lunch. I almost drool but thank God I manage to control the saliva from flowing out of my mouth. I must have been tired or the meds are really good in putting me into deep sleep. By the time I reached Tampines, I was quite awake. I chatted with Mas and asked her about her life and her boyfriend's state of health. So everything went well for her. Which is good. Saiful is well and alive!

Once I stepped into the house, I prayed Zuhur. After wards, I had a panic attack. Suddenly, I remembered what Dr Maha said earlier in the day. Her comments lingered at the back of my head. Suddenly I feel paranoid! Suddenly I feel like, I've done something wrong with my assignment. I feel as if something was incomplete with a section of my assignment. I tried to forget about it, but it just bothers me so much that I put myself into a state of mental frenzy. I feel as if I'm going crazy for something that has ended and I can't change anything anymore. Fidah told me not to worry and that we had done our very best. She's right. Still, I cannot stop fretting about it.

How is it possible for me, and only me, to be able to put myself in a very uncontrollable, irrational spot? If I ever go crazy, it's not because of others, but purely myself!

My mum was right. Of course I didn't know what else I shoud do till Dr Maha make me noticed what I've lacked. Arrgghh... Forget it! Forget it all!

I'm done! I'm seriously done. Done with all this stupid emotional play. Done with the nonsense I have to put up, with myself that is. I'm done!

I'm done with working so hard for a freaking stupid cross-over!
I'm done with trying too hard!
I'm done trying to be a perfectionist with my work!
I'm done with studying!

Yes, it came out just like that. It finally came out. And I think, this time, I meant it...

I think I do not want to study anymore. I do not mind learning. But I do not want to study and sit for exams anymore. I have less than a year to go. And I shall bear with it all. I just want to pass and move on. If it gets too difficult, obviously not meant to be. If this is the case, then I'm just looking forward to working and teaching. For the first time, I'm admitting that I'm ready to teach.

I taught my Primary 1 tutee just now. Making her smile makes me happy. Seeing her able to do something she wasn't able to do before gives me satisfaction. Even sometimes I scold, I care. But when I see her succeeding, I feel very happy. She's not my sister nor my daughter. But seeing her achive, to do well for a test or even daily practice, gives me contentment.

Dear all, you should respect your teachers. From my personal experience, I've realised, that whenever, I teach, I feel myself giving or sharing a part of myself to my students. It really takes a lot of heart to teach. When one teaches, it can be a very draining process. When we finally bear the fruits, then we have succeeded. But to reach that level sometimes requires a lot of blood, tears and sweat from us teachers. You must respect your teachers. From what I know, they never give up on you, at least not the real teachers. We are paid very little, and sometimes our jobs are the ones least sought after if not for the bad job market. Since we are paid so little, I believe strongly that at the very least, we deserve a great amount of respect. Now I understand why most of my colleagues who are currently teaching still teach even though the school condition sucks and bad politics lingers everywhere. It's the passion and satisfaction that drives them. Money, we receive very little. Fame, sometimes none. Power, quite a bad line to go into if you want a title. In the end, for us, it's all about the kids.

I admit, I came into the profession just for the money. Relief teaching pays very well. I signed up with MOE because I wanted stability in my life. No, honestly, not because of the passion. I refuse to believe this is the career for me. I still want to wear the power suit. I still feel I am that. That is me. Holding an executive job and title, with my mahogany desk and Apple latop. My dream of opening an empire of Muslimah boutiques, tapping on the markets across the world. That was the dream....

But now, reality have struck down hard on me. But I will not complain. No matter how much I try to run away from teaching, it haunts me and in the end, I always end up teaching and tutoring. Always. Mas thinks that's because I have not been given the opportunity to try other line of work. Maybe so. But it's baffles me how in the end, I just end up teaching. It can't be a mere coincidence can it? It's too well-planned.

I have been a Jack-of-all-Trades, but a master of none. Dear God, I pray you show me the right path for myself, my future and family. Guide me and don't give up on me. I feel lost sometimes, but please give me the strength and belief that I'm on the right path. If teaching is it, then let me accept it, embrace it. If I'm not meant for a degree, comfort me, assure me, protect me from the Evil one. Let me Redha.

I want to teach now. And I think I'm ready. I can sense myself slowly letting go of being so anal about work. Yes sometime, I worry, but that is all. I do not feel so worked up as easily as last year still. It's no longer about the A's. My mind has shifted slowly to how I can use the strategies in school. It's slow, but I hope surely. I'm too tired to think anf try too hard anymore. I want to be happy. If it means letting go of the possibility of earning a degree, then I think, I have reached the stage, where, I'm slowly, but surely, letting it all go...

What a relief....Sometimes, I still hope, but that hope has wavered much lately.... I'm just still hoping for the very best, for myself at least...and that's all. But one thing's for sure is, I'm tired of studying and I think, I'm ready to work....

2005-09-02T14:19:00.001+08:00

Passport Photo Number 1 (I gave this to my tutor. Coz it's most humble...LOL..hehe)

2005-09-02T14:19:00.000+08:00

Passport Photo Number 2

2005-09-02T14:18:00.000+08:00

Passport photo Number 3

HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY

2005-09-01T11:33:00.000+08:00

HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY

Yeay! It's September! It's my month! LOL....What a good way to celebrate the month by kicking the celebratory mood with a very special day...Teacher's Day! So to all my Teacher friends...May all of you inspire and mould many more young minds out there. Change the world and hopefully, the passion remains or grow stronger!

And I would like to wish everyone in the Queen's Street home, Perth, Australia....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL OF YOU TOO! Enjoy your one week break, or whatever is left of it!

It's September! It's September! Heheh...so happy. A very exciting month. First up is the one week break. Oh before that, I'm going to watch Cirque De'Soleil next Friday. Yeay! Then at the end of the holidays is my cousin's wedding. So gonna be busy then. AFter which, school re-opens and most of the assignments are due. So shall finish them up asap! Then have dinner with Qiaohui and my S02 for our ...ehemmmm.... and then comes Hakim's and my eheemmmm...heheh....then gonna be celebrating my eheemmm with my Secondary school friend, Selva. We're going to celebrate together in the NIE canteen. She's in NTU and I'm in NIE. Her birthday is a day after mine. And it's been so long since we've sat down and chat....6 years...so long...basically...can't wait!

I received my a Teacher's Day prezzie last night from my tutee. She's only in Primary One. However, she pssed to my father to pass to me, since there was no tuition last night. Awww...feel rather bad that I didn't get to see her. She bought me a beige tudung. Very nice pattern too. Obviously she got the help of her mother. Nonetheless, it's all very sweet. :)

Well, weird thing is, it's Teacher's Day, and NIE is still OPEN! No, no! No celebration for us in school. Actually the celebration took place yesterday. Some concert held by my friend, Saras. I didn't attend coz I was feeling rather tired. Wish I was there though. Anyway, bottom line is, there's no holiday. :( Guess I have to wait till I start working then.

So even though I'm supposed to be doing a lil revision for the test hat is schedled this afternoon, I've decided to take a rest for a while. So let me blog dow what i was thinking about lately.

I CAN BE SUCH A KLUTZ!

Yes, a klutz! Last Tuesday, it was in the morning. Like around 6.25am. Was getting ready for school and I know my father was waiting downstairs for me in his car. So I was rushing and do not want to test my father's patience. So I've put on everyting except for some body spray. So I held the bottle and wanted to spray it on my tudung. The problem is I did not realize that the lil hole was facing me. SO I END UP SPRAYING MY OWN FACE!!! Sheesh..I couldn't smell properly afterwards...till I reach school. That definitely woke me up I tell you!

Another time was last weekend. On last Wednesday, my tutor was collecting everybody's passport-sized photo. So no problem for me, because I have lots of them. Hopwever, they're rather ugly pictures of me. But I don't bother. So i was about to give her my photo until she said "Please ensure that you look nice because when I'm marking your assignment, I'll be looking at your photos. Soo....."

I suddenly felt self-concious. I decided not to give her the photo. I made a mental note to take new ones where I look a bit more presentable. So I wanted to do it last weekends. It was Sunday and no picture was taken yet. I was kind of lazy to leave the house. So i decided to cut out passport sized photos of me from my Perth photos. Which I crazily did! I sacrificed three of my Perth pictures which I thought I look kinda nice. Then, the weird thing is, instead of feeling rather satisfied. I end up worrying. My brain said, "Oh dear! I hope Dr Maha doesn't think I'm cheap.."

What the????? Yeah, dumb right? Anyway, I gave one to Dr Maha already. By the way, she's so nice as to have given us cards yesterday after the lesson. So sweet and unexpected of her. :)

I'm sleepy now. Argghh...I might be writing nonsense. So shall stop. Till anymore babbles..Have a good day to all! ~

Life run Amok!

2005-08-31T18:49:00.000+08:00

LIFE RUN AMOK

To tell you the truth, I have already blogged on Monday morning, whilst I was early in school having breakfast. But, I 've got disconnected and my very long entry about last week was gone! Later I was skyping with Hakim and complaining how much I've written and to have it all gone. It's tragic really!

So, my first three days of school of week 6 of this semester has started to become rather busy. Things are becoming increasingly difficult to control and the nerves are beginning to take its toll on my mental and emotional state. Yes, beginning to feel stressed out. Hasn't affected my health yet and I hope and pray that it won't.

ETE 201, Text and Context. A subject which I had to take is starting to irritate me a little. Doesn't help when the teacher herself is unpredictable and has a somewhat domineering aura on us all. Presentations starts this week and she refuse to let us know who is supposed to present this week or the next. It was expected that all should have been ready by today.

The unpredictability of knowing when our turn is going to be, I believe, have driven many of my friends and I in a state of frenzy. Somehow, most were not aware that the presentation starts this week until last week itself. Probably because most have been rather busy and has forgotten about the presentation dates. I was not excluded either. So given a week, with quite a daunting task, of trying to create an oral presentation, infusing what we've learnt from really 'incoherent', difficult notes that we're suppose to rely on, has been sometimes too challenging for most. The notes were really a killer from day one. Most agreed that it was difficult to understand due to terminologies that was difficult to comprehend and the minute fonts of the texts were not helping either. In the end, most had to rely on tutorial sessions to have our doubts clarified (even though most just remain silent and were too afraid to ask her any questions). She's not a monster. Personally, I think she's just too difficult to please. She has very high expectations. Without realizing it, people are just too afraid to do anything, too afraid a judgement would be passed by Her Highness. I do not have any grudges of her. Maybe, all of us have mistaken her too soon. One thing's for sure, whenever she's around, we're all on our toes, tip toeing gingerly, afraid to make the slightest sound. Like a mouse scurrying quietly to get cheese before being spotted by the cat. LOL..

Well, I've been working so very hard with my partner ever since last Thursday. But there was a 3 day rest and we resume on Monday. I was so caught up in trying to get the details of the text analysis documented properly that I lost the track of time. My worry for the subject has driven my partner and I to hold our discussion in The New National Library once our day has ended at 4pm. We took a cab for worry there was no buses as it was NTU's 50th anniversary and there was a road block. Monday was the first day ever, in my life as an NIE student, that I have to discuss about my project till 8.30pm at night. So busy and worried was I that I have totally forgotten about my JC friends invitation to join them at Holland Village for a de-stress session. Sorry girls that I cannot turn up. More apologies for not informing yall earlier. I had totally forgotten all about it.

After the dicussion for the documented piece, I've decided to borrow a book entitled "A Fine Balance" by Rohinton Mistry. A very good contemporary Asian writer who writes about India and its social system. I came across his works from a reading I had to do for ETE 201. Well, good thing I now know of another writer who's writing I came to have fallen in love with. Indeed, it's very different from the romance novels and genres I'm used to. Nonetheless, I embraced the change. Alas, I'm not so hopeless after all! LOL..

So I reached home ard 9+pm, bathed, chatted with Hakim for a while but was very distracted by ETE's assignment. The worry lingered in my heart too long. I was worried that I might not be able to be ready for the presentation which is in 2 days time. So I end up doing more work for the assignment till 12.30am. Only then, did I feel more relaxed because I knew, most of the work was done, except for a few minor details to be tied up.

The next day, my friend and I was relieved that the burden was lighter this time. Poor girl was feeling very tired the night before. Nonetheless, we persisted. So on Tuesday, we editted whatever we could and practised the presentation.

So the presentation was supposed to be today. We came early and practised again, making sure we're within the stipulated 10 minutes allocated to us. In the end, the teacher did not call on us.

How do I feel? Mix feelings really. Part of me is glad that our turn will be next week. So that we will be more prepared and we could improve our work. Another part is a bit disappointed because we had worked so hard for it. If we had known we wouldn't have to present, that time could be used to revise our ETM for Thursday's test instead. Also, I have to drag my worry for another week and I believe, to present next week also means to be able to produce better form of work and presentation. Well, people might think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I see it as a fact. It's just human nature to expect something better after seeing other people's works and their good and bad. I jst hope I can pull it hope. Yes, only 15%, but no harm putting in extra effort right?

So I went home. Wednesday is an early day. I decided to give myself a break. I was too tired actually. Treated myself to lunch at Delifrance Bistro in TM. It's a simple pleasure to be able to enjoy your food and a good book at the same time. Yes I was alone. That made it all much nicer too. I treasure the times when I could be alone and gather my thoughts. Away from the hectic schedule and people. It keeps me sane and healthy. It was nice really. A book on the left, food on the right and it was raining outside the glass panes. Simple joy and pleasure.

Well, it's nearly 8pm now. I have to start studying for my ETM test tom. I'm still tired as ever but I guess I have to pull myself together and push myself for another day of school. After all, life is indeed a struggle.

I'm only human and I am me.

2005-08-20T00:03:00.000+08:00

I'M ONLY HUMAN AND I AM ME

Yes, I'm only human. Very flawed indeed. The previous entry was about physicality. Now, it's about my character.

I have a very strong character...to strong sometimes, for others and myself included.

Oh yes, it has got me into trouble many times. It has made me hate myself more than ever. It has sometimes hurt the people I love, people I love.

What's worst is, it comes with a direct opposite...SENSITIVITY.

Very sensitive at times. Now better than last time. Still, it's there.

Another lethal weapon is a very sharp tongue. Very, very indeed. It has hurt too many people.

I do not like to hurt others because in the end, I'm hurt.

Haiz, I guess the Prophet S.A.W IS right. Always right. If I have got nothing better to talk about. I should control my tongue, my speech, what I say, how I express my thoughts and feelings.

There's a reason why we cannot read minds. I believe it should stay that way.

The problem with blogging is, you ARE writing down how you feel. If the blog is not personal, then it's about your beliefs. Then people will definitely try to figure you out, or judge you or what not.

An another problem to bloggers that they do not realize is, that they find it difficult not to wonder how others would think.

Whatever it is, thoughts are dangerous. Blogs are not just fun to read, but they are very lethal weapons. Either for peace or mass destruction!

Anyway, I've digress too much.

I think, I wanna be more careful with my words now. My temper and all too. If I do it so well in school, I should be able to do it well in life too. Insya'Allah, all will turn out well.

Perfect Body?

2005-08-17T22:06:00.000+08:00

PERFECT BODY?

Do you like your body? Yes, I'm talking about the same part or parts of you that makes up YOU?

Have you ever felt dissatisfied with your body?

Ever wished it looked like something else? Or someone else's for that matter?

Have you ever been made fun of by others with regards to a certain 'flaw' that obviously only you have and apparently others don't?

Have their taunts or teases (through out your life as a Human being) ever plagued your mind again and again like a broken record?

Ever felt really self-concious once in a while?

Too scared to go out into the public and be judged?

Have you ever made mental conversations within your brain whenever you try to think of how others might say in their own head when they see you?

Ah yes...sounds familiar? If not all, how about some of the above?

People have flaws. Today we look into physical flaws. Some have problems with their hair, skin, being too thin, beeing too fat, etc. Mine will undoubtly be about being overweight.

Of course, since I have it, I see it as a problem. If you have something that bugs you, would you be bothered? OF COURSE YOU WILL!

I have been overweight ever since puberty sets into my bodily system. It became apparent from Primary Six onwards. Before primary six, my weight was 45-49kg. Eversince 12 years old, it has gone up and has been fluctuating around the 55kg region. Bear in mind I'm only 1.52m tall. Hence if you do the BMI calculation, I will fall into the category of 120% overweight. Thank God, so far it's overweight and NOT obese. With the exception of stressful periods like the A's, my weight shot up to 62kg. Yes, yes, it went up that much.

Why the heck would I want to write about all these? Because I want to complain about how society could judge people like me wrongly. They judge people who are overweight as unattractive souls. Oh no, now humans are cleverer. Last time, they could just be insensitive about the weight issue to us. Now, they know how to be sensitive about it. So do you know what they do?

They lie.

"I'm fat," I said.

"No, you are not," they said.

And the weirdest part of it all is, they do not add anything else after that sentence. LoL..they are so lying. Though I admit that some people do genuinely mean it when they try to reason it out to you. I'll buy it. I have to. I need the confidence boost. I'm only human and I do not necessarily have all the confidence. I need to be comforted.

Another thing that I do not like is when I see someone who is obviously attractive and I know that he/she knows that they are attractive, and yet, blatantly refuse to admit it through the simple way of acknowledging it. Oh no, they can't do that. Instead, they would go all the length to go into open denial.

" You are attractive," I said.

"No, I'm not!" they said.

When they do say that, I could sense if they're shy, flattered or completely in denial. If they're shy, I can sense it and they will, if they have the courage to, in the end say "Thank you."

Those who are in complete denial are just plain irritating. Actually, when they do deny it openly, they are suggesting that I'm blind! What an insult! People, there's nothing wrong with just saying "Thank you". What is so wrong about acknowkedging God's gift? By the way, I said acknowledging NOT FLAUNT IT AND BE TOO GAWDY OR PROUD OF IT! There's such a huge difference.

Anyway, back to my weight issue and the social context. I've been observing how obsessed I can be about my own weight.

I mean, sometimes, when I get really desperate, I will be very tempted by the dieting pills and programmes.

Been there, done that.

Going to a gym or aerobics club...Been there done that!

Jogging...done that!

Going to a slimming centre...NOT YET...

Because of this, Ive been tempted by many slimming centres advertisements. Yes, yes, you name it all...MArie France Bodyline, Expressions, Jean Yip, Perfectslim, etc You name it all!

But I've been thinking lately, how easily for companies to prey on our insecurities and make money out of it. Don't you think so? Look at some adverts at night and you'll know it.

"I grow my hair in 2 weeks. ITS WORKS!"

"I used to be fat. My boyfriend said I look like a bodyguard. Now, I lost 15 kg. I do not look like a bodyguard anymore!"

"My skin used to feel dry and lifeless. After X, it's all radiant!"

There's more..too many to be written down actually....

Sad isn't? This will be the time when my ETE tutor will say how we're disempowered by others. So true...so so true. Suddenly we see humans as living things who do not belong in the high level of the food chain, where they are supposedly able to use their brains and decide and analyze anything that comes in their way. And yet we fail to do so.

Ok, no doubt, we all have insecurities. I have one, you have one, everyone has one. But I believe, that at some point all of us know that it is not good to allow our insecurities to control us. Hey believe me, it is not easy. Sometimes you just want the easy way out. Maybe there's a better way to handle it....Anyway, who ever says that women who are a bit heavy or heavy are ugly? I beg to differ. Look at Queen Latifah..though she's big, she's sweet! Attractive too!

But I guess, being a little slimmer doesn't hurt either. For the sake of being healthier that is (For your info, people who are big are healthy too. Do not stereotyped them as being unhealthy ok? For all you know, they are healthier than the skinny ones too!)

I guess no Marie France bodyline for me. FAce it, NO MONEY! Guess I have to do all in the old, slow fashion way....diet and plenty of exercise....

But for now, I'm digging into my Tiramisu...;) (LOL...I'm so full of shit!)

Things I have blogged in my mind

2005-08-16T16:53:00.000+08:00

THINGS I HAVE BLOGGED IN MY MIND

Not that I hav not updated. I HAVE! Just that it all happened in my mind. Somewhere during the day, I have always made a reminder to write my thoughts on my blog. However, by the end of the day, it's gone or I had forgotten all about the issues at hand.

So...updates..updates... :) Today I shall only blog about school, since it's the centre of my life nowadays.

1. School

What can I say, I have made secret vow to myself so that I would be more motivated and efficient this semester. Meaning, always up to date on homeworks, pay attention during lectures and tutorials and even read up and for once, understand the notes that I have to read. The first 2 weeks proved to be very good and I was able to achieve the goals of the day. Hakim is right on making a list of what I shd cover everyday. That reminds me of what I should at least cover. Making lists has never been more efficient and helpful for someone as muddle-headed as me. It proved to be a very good tool.

However, realistically, noone can ever reach their goals properly per day. Even though you can plan what to do and when you wanna do stuff, you can never really plan when you'll be tired, or hungry, or sleepy, or cranky, or PMSing....Especially me, whose moods is as unpredictable as Singapore's weather nowadays. I always end up really lazy once I reached home and all. I mean, my newly decorated room (and very exensive one indeed...spent most of my bonus there!) has managed to make me feel too comfortable at home..Lol...really no joke...for once, there was no clutter...This time, I really made sure no dust and no untidiness on the table. I do not care what others think of me, but I sure do know now, that for once, I'm living up to my own expectations...as well as my Mum's. Eversince I've became more responsible over the things I have and the people around me, she rarely nags. Which is good...so I shall keep it up. I also noticed how well I am reacting to other people in school too. Being nice does pay off. Even when I do feel down, I'd make sure my mood effects noone else except me.

Of course, with the recent National Day celebrations and holidays are over, I have slowed down. Maybe because I really enjoyed the holidays. I enjoyed it so much I end up not doing anything much last week! I hope I am able to pick up the pace back. Slowly...but surely...

With regards to the whole 'crossing-over' matter (It's a programme whereby some diploma sudents are chosen by NIE and MOE to be promoted to the 3rd year of the degree programme)...well, no doubt, I was very anal about it. I used to fret so much about how I didn't do too well for a certain Maths test..especially in Semester one. Maybe because I really wanted to crossover to the Degree Programme so much. Like heck! I entered NIE because of that. I hoped for a cheaper solution to getting a degree...So instead of going to Monash, which I already have a place reserved for me, I sacrificed it and turned to NIE. So my parents do not have to pay so much for my education. I mean they're not broke..but I know they're not wealthy either. I belong to a simple working class family. And I do not like the idea of paying off a big loan once back from Aussie. The unpredictability of the job market also made me think twice about pursuing a busiess degree overseas. Hence, NIE was a place for me to help unload my parents' burden in a way.

Of course I will feel really sad and disappointed if I do not manage to cross-over. However, after spending almost a year in NIE, I know now, that nothing is certain anymore. Anything could happen.

During the past holidays, I did a lot of thinking. Due to the realization that some people have already been offered an interview for the 'Crossing-over' programme, and how I feel like it's just weird how some, I personally do not think have the attitude to do so, managed to get enlisted on THE LIST I WAS HOPING TO GET MYSELF ON! Then, I panicked. Why wasn't I listed? So...I had a long, long time to re-think my purpose and what I wish to achieve after my 2 years in NIE. Once, I managed to really sort my feelings out and be really realistic and mature about the whole matter, I was finally able to accept and strive to accept anything that comes in my way.

Hence, with this new semester, I noticed how more relaxed and more matured I am in handling work and work attitudes. My friends admitted that they went through the same whole panic situation of what happens if they cannot cross-over. All of us come to the conclusion that we cannot do much except to work hard and just do our very best.

So I do sometimes think less of the whole matter. But that doesn't mean I do not think of it at all. It's still a concern that I bury very deep in my heart. I just control it from surfacing. No doubt, it has surfaced twice this semester. It happened when I found out news about the previous batch who managed to cross-over and some other news about the whole criteria cum selection process. It bothers me, but I tried not to allow it to affect me too much.

It will be a denial if I say I do not care anymore. I DO. But the degree is much lesser than last year. All I can think of is that if it's meant for me, than it'll not go anywhere else but to me. Then if it's not meant to be, then there's something else out there for me. Maybe Allah has more planned for me and I'll never know till I have gone through it all. All I could do is to work hard, do my very best, pray well and hard and hope and wish upon Allah that he will help me make this journey a bearable one for me.

If you asked me how school is really like for me these days, I would definitely have to say, that it's becoming more progressive for me day by day. Meaning, it is at least ok. I hope I am able to feel the same way for the rest of the year, and for once, to truly enjoy whatever I'm doing here.

A day to be immortalised

2005-08-04T00:19:00.000+08:00

A DAY TO BE IMMORTALISED

You must be wondering, "From the title, must be a realli great day..a vavavoom day..or a big occasion.." Well, you are wrong. Not that it was a horrible day, but it was a pleasantly good day, like a cake with very sweet heartstrings 'shavings' as the icing.

So what happened? (This is a recount btw)

The day started as per normal. I reached school at 7am. Searched for the cleanest and water-availability toilet for my morning toilet ritual, ate breakkie and read notes (sumtimes I do sleep instead).

First lesson was ETE 201, subject English. Met the Proff, nice, intellectual and sophisticated lady. Her calm demeanor and presence soothened my nerves and mood. I love the way she articulate her words..slow, easy, effortlessly, coherent and very admirable! I wanna tok like her...Anyway, personalli I love her lesson coz of the content. It's interesting. Besides, I like the teacher so that's explanatory in itself!

Then was EED 247..Thinking skills to Enhance Learning...Chim chim..The lecturer was very pleasant too and I know from the way she spoke, she's a very knowledgable lady. Lesson's content was interesting to me, though I get tired at the end...coz quite a lot of thinking. Some might think it's boring. I prefer to think of it as mind-challenging!

The I got a surprise call from my Baba. At 12.30pm, when I've ended my day, he called to say he's waiting for me st the bus-stop to fetch me home. Well, today my afther took half-day off coz he needed to go for a Doc's appointment. I juz didn't noe it was that early and he bothered to wait for me! So it was nice for once to have someone waiting so early for me to go home together coz normally I wait for him ard 6+pm.

I began to realize how most of my time with my Dad was spent travelling. Since I was young, he had always driven me somewer in the morning. When I was young, it used to be to my aunt's home ard 6.30am. Then, it was to my Primary school, then TKGS, then PJC...and now..NIE. I've been the longest passenger of my father's vehicle. From the time we had only a bike, to a scooter to a car. And thru all that, our relationship has evolved into a pretty close Father-Daughter relationship. I think due to this, I had acquired my father's acute sense of direction. Thanks Baba. I love u so much! Thanks for driving me around Singapore and teaching me the ways of the roads. Thanx for loving me so much to care to send and fetch me home at the same time. I mean I can go home by myself no doubt, but I like my father's driving. I tink I've grown accustomed to it all that I enjoyed being driven around.

So we had lunch together, Briyani! Yummy. Dad paid for lunch. Then we headed home, prayed Zuhur and went out again, heading towards Changi General Hospital. I accompanied him coz I felt I needed a break from all the werk of NIE. Besides, I wanted to meet Shak, who's currently working in the Physio Department.

After my father had his queue number and waited, I went looking for Shak. I found myself in familiar surroundings again. Suddenly I'm transportted to 3 years back, when my Mum had fall down and had broken her wrists. She was warded to CGH and spent 3 months at home albeit the occasional visits to CGH for Occupational Theraphy (which btw is in the Physio Department too). It made me a bit glad that I've been there for both of my parents when they needed to be at the hospital. I remembered how very worried I was when my Mum was warded. I called my closest friends for comfort as I witnessed my mum in the emergency room. Yeah, that was 3 years back.

3years later, I'm back to the Physio Department to meet a very good fren of mine who's working there. It's only Shak's 2nd week, but I juz wanna see her while she works.

Which I did, after waiting 10 minutes for her to realize my presence. Sheesshhhh...

As i observed her, piling her paperwork, filling up the forms, doing her rounds and giving advice to a patient, I can't help but feel sooo...PROUD! I mean, 5 years back, she was sitting beside me in class, with her wavy hair, in her PJC uniform, day-dreaming abt Prince Charles ( which she still does though I dun understand y since she will never meet that handsome chap!), complaining about her council work. And now, she's a professional Physiotherapist. Like..heck, I noone knew she was going to be a Physio. And yet, there she was, giving advice to a patient...poor patient! (LOL..kidding lah Shak...I'm very proud of you..realli..*hugs*)

So we met, chatted for a while, cracked jokes..then I left the Physio Department coz she needed to work and I can't tok very long. As I was leaving, I thought of the other third of me and Shak...Nonie...HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAL! :)

And..I feel proud for her too..She's been the loud, spunky, spiky haired girl, with a hockey stick for a few weeks, then turned to a Rugby ball afterwards (she still plays it though), her 'nyonyot' black water-bottle and her clips...oh yes..her clips...And now, she's in Melbourne, pursuing the course of her dreams, Journalism and excelling in it...And for ur info, she worked so hard, juggling work as a Baristar, to a book shop girl and a Tutor at the same time so that she cld save up money for her own education. All respect goes to u babe!

I mean, who would have thought, Shak, the lame, moronic one, became a Physiotherapist. Nonie, the very driven, excitable in her own way and bold (who used to be the Rugby Team's Treasurer) is into Journalism. And me, a trainee teacher. The three stooges have indeed moved on in life eversince the A'Levels. And how fast we've grown up! Everyone doing their own thing to survive in this rapid paced world. But no matter wat, we're still the three gals who were quite vulgar in class, too loud and rowdy, laughing out loud to corny jokes and recapping episodes of 'Goodness Gracious Me', toking abt bikinis and thongs or watever that's kinky. Bottomline, we know we'll be there for one another come what may.

I left for home and chatted with Hakim. I missed him dearly. Really I do.

After today, I know, I'm just very blessed. Alhamdulillah. Today is a day, where good things happened and no matter how cruel the world can be, there's always goodness somewhere...I truly believe so..and everyone should too....it might not be in the same form as mine..but...there's always enough love for all...believe it and you'll see...

Making the right move

2005-07-29T16:49:00.000+08:00

MAKING THE RIGHT MOVE

Making the right move is difficult. Doing the right thing is oso very difficult. Especially wen there's a catch. It's never easy. Sometimes I wonder, if I could ever keep on doing it. Why do I sumtimes feel horrible even after I've made the right decision?

They say doing the right thing is like taking a higher way than the lower way. If it is, then I would say, that it is a higher way with thorns.

The article that did not get published

2005-07-28T19:36:00.000+08:00

THE ARTICLE THAT DID NOT GET PUBLISHED

After all the hardwork that I have put into my article, after all the excitement of pondering, writing, waiting, and realizing that my article got the approval of the Proff and having given my foto to the editor....

It is not going to be published after all.

Well, of course I felt disappointed and sad. But thanks to friends, I do realize that I did take a risk of writing an article that was more commentary and opinionated rather than the normal safe ones one would normally read in a normal school magazine.

If you ask whether I was dishearteaned, it would be a lie to say no. If you ask me whether I would write again for the school mag, it would also be a lie to say yes. At least not for the moment. However, I do not blame the editor. Politics will always be politics. Nothing personal, juz business.

So, maybe, I'm not ready to write those kind of politically correct articles. However, I know I can write and will continue so on this beloved blog of mine. I do not like to see my article unread and I'm known to really take care of my own belongings. Hence, I'm publishing my own article here...Enjoy.. :)

STRESS IT OUT!

S-T-R-E-S-S! Join those letters together and one will form the word that most people in the 21st century dread most. No doubt it is an uninvited element in most of our lives. When one thinks of the word stress, one would wonder who would want to be surrounded by a fast-paced, hectic schedule and incredulous moral and intellectual expectations all year around right? Wait a minute, teachers let us stop and think carefully. Doesn’t this sounds rather familiar?

Sad enough, it is all that is surrounding teachers. Regardless whether you are a trainee or a full pledged teacher. Stress, stress, stress. It is reported that almost 30% of those who reported to the Institute of Mental Health are citizens whose jobs are related to teaching.

In order for such a scenario not to affect us, I have taken the privilege to ask my fellow student-teachers colleagues tips on how they managed stress in NIE. Let us agree that for every problem, one must attack it from the bud. So what better way to handle stress whilst one still in NIE and inculcate the good habits whilst working right? They have all proven that these tips do work. So readers, DO READ CAREFULLY IF YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN UR SANITY.

Step 1: Enter semester totally clueless of what is happening around you. It is alright. If you are smart and lucky enough, you’ll meet people who are more enthusiastic or better known as the ‘kanchiong’ kinds who would always know what is happening at any time of the semester even before it has begun. So, befriend them and just suck any information you want from them. Isn’t simple?

Step 2: Who needs a schedule? All those diaries and planners are just for show. Besides, we’re students, how difficult can that be? The last thing we want is to follow strict regiments of our daily lives. Just go with the flow.

Step 3: Never attend lectures. Who cares about attendance when a fellow friend can sign the attendance for you. But do attend once in a while so you will not get into deep trouble. It’s alright if you want to sleep during lectures. In fact, people might actually think you studied the night before!

Step 4: Do not bother reading the piles of notes. Why do you need notes when you have to face the teacher everyday. Just ask the teacher. Open your mouth and ask. Besides, teachers are supposed to help pupils right? And aren’t we living in a system where we are famously known to be spoon-fed by our teachers.

Step 5: If you do not mind reading the notes and actually enjoys reading them, you do not need to attend tutorials. Why do you need to attend the classes when you can read the notes at home. You are undoubtedly too clever to attend classes! By the way, do not worry about the attendance either. As long as there is a valid MC, you’re safe.

Step 6: Do not attempt your assignments till the last minute. They’re just assignments. Who fails assignments anyway. Why stress yourself so much? Sometimes, teachers give last minute hints. How can we produce good assignments without these hints. It’s impossible!

Step 7: When you do attempt your assignments, do not sleep. Who sleeps when you have 2 or 3 more hours to the deadline. You want your work to be perfect. Work hard man and sweat it out! How often do you really work hard in a year? Think of what you are going to do after the holidays. It will keep you going on for the long run.

Step 8: While doing assignments, feel free to discuss about the assignments and complain about how slow or hard you find the assignments are to your fellow friends. It’s so comforting knowing that there are people in the same boat as you. It’s so stress relieving.

Step 9: If you can’t finish your assignment on time, do not worry. Just call up the teacher and let her know you are not feeling well. Besides you are backed up by an MC. What can she do right. At least you’ll have one more day to finish up the assignment. Whew! That’s close.

Step 10: When you do finish your assignment, it is so stress reliving to see others suffering while you are shaking your leg and moving on to the next assignment. Just let them know you’re done and you’ll feel great as ever! Best if you could find your preys out there in campus.

Well, rest assured with these guidelines you’ll be handling stress so easy that you won’t have any problem while you’re working. Right?

2 sides of the coin

2005-07-28T18:32:00.000+08:00

2 SIDES OF THE COIN

I'm glad it's all settled and explained. I admit it was my fault and my conscience playing tricks on my mind and heart. I'm glad it's all done and over with. The day I found the truth, was the day I felt as if I was freed from chains so heavy that I never knew existed in the beginning. I guess I must have treasured their company subconciously.

Yes there were tears...many too...but I believe it's a process whereby if I had not gone thru it, I might not be able to have found panance in it all. They do not fail to surprise me everyday. I commend them for their open hearts and willingness to forgive and forget.

To my frens, who had relentlessly supported me thru my tag board, thank you all, coz at that moment, I do need all the support I could get. But also, on behalf of Ratna, who might have seen as if she was rude at that moment, I do realize now that she actualli meant well. So do forgive her if she did offend anyone of you for I have forgiven her and forget.

In fact, if not w/o the tag, I doubt there would be any resolvement of that issue.

I'm very thankful it's juz all so...history....For once, in the last half of a year, I am free...

2005-07-21T23:50:00.000+08:00

Baked Cheesed Potatoes..it's fresh from the oven, so it was still bubbling..Look at all that cheese!

2005-07-21T23:49:00.000+08:00

My Tiramisu..Yummy..Look at all that Cocoa on top!

GASTRONOMICAL PERTH RELIVED!

2005-07-21T23:40:00.000+08:00

GASTRONOMICAL PERTH RE-LIVED!

I've been crazy about cooking food I've already eaten in Perth. I do not understand why the sudden urge to cook, but I did. Maybe I missed Perth badly and that some good memories were linked to the food we ate. By cooking, I was kinda reliving those moments at home when it was cold and chilly outside while we dug into delicious food in the heated house.

Diana, Hakim's hsemate, cooked Baked Cheesed Potatoes. Boy was it delicious. Thanks to the instant mix from Maggi. And I bought some of the mixes home coz I know I can't find them in Singapore. And wah lah! It was done 2 nites ago. My family loved it though my parents admit it was a tad too rich for their taste.

Today, after getting the recipe from beloved Diana, I was in a crazed mood to make..Tiramisu! Yes, I did it all by myself...with the help of instructions of course. Lovely. It's in my freezer, waiting to be served.

Ah, I wonder wat's next on the menu?

MAJOR STUPIDITY

2005-07-20T23:43:00.000+08:00

MAJOR STUPIDITY

I have never felt so stupid in my whole entire life. Wat's worst, I was realli looking forward to it. Such is life. It was all a lie. A big major fat lie. I'll neva forget it, for the rest of my life. All the pretense and lies. Huh! How stupid and naive can I be rite? To tink that bygones will be bygones. Well, it's ok. That's juz life. My assumption could be wrong... but heck! I shdn't bother. Not their fault for making the mistake. Humans will always be humans. At least I realli noe now wer I'm mostly welcome. I pray that Allah will give me the strength to move on and forgive them.

SCARED OF.....

2005-07-18T23:54:00.000+08:00

SCARED OFF.....

I'm into lists lately. It's kinda fun. So this is the list of things I am or used to be scared of.

GOD ( ALWAYS WILL )
Darkness ( Dun like dark spaces.. )
Paranormal ( sometimes though it is seriously stupid! Maybe coz it's unknown that's y..)
Heights
The Human Male Species ( too confusing for me sumtimes )
Teachers ( wat a joke! )
Doing something wrong
Small spaces ( Small as in...tunnel small...too enclosed...claustrophobic for me )
To be heartbroken
To lose others' respect of me ( been there, not a gd experience...)

Wat r u scared of? Do tag it if u want. If u dun wanna pple to noe who u r, u can always sign as "ANON"...

:)

LOOK AGAIN, THINK AGAIN.

2005-07-17T01:00:00.000+08:00

LOOK AGAIN, THINK AGAIN

It bothers me that people, myself included, refuses to look at things or issues more positively. When I mention positivity, I'm not refering to disillusionment. I'm refering to a better reasoning behind why things happened.

Why is it so much easier for us to hate sumthing so easily and yet, wen we wanna like sumthing, we have to give reasons why we like it or love it? Yet, we find difficulty to justify our actions.

I've been observing my actions and also much of the people around me. It baffles me how we tend to see flaws first rather than the strenghts.

Now, dun start saying it is, well, normal, that's just the way it is, human nature.

Instead of agreeing and act as if you know it all or even start complaining about it, look again and think again. Because in actual fact, we all still don't know why.

2005-07-14T12:20:00.000+08:00

Reflections

SIMPLE PLEASURES OF LIFE

2005-07-14T12:07:00.000+08:00

SIMPLE PLEASURES OF LIFE

To be able to pee and poo.
To enjoy food.
To sleep.
To be with the beloved family, your friends and the loved ones.
To give a part of your salary to your parents and siblings every month.
To donate to charity.
To help the poor and those in need.
To do things without asking anything in return.
To witness nature in its full glory.
To accept every tribulation with an open heart, regardless how difficult it has become.
To put every negative elements aside and focus on the positive ones.
To read ( or doing any other activity that is a hobby ).
To bum.
To write.
To love and be loved.

2005-07-14T00:44:00.000+08:00

Sunsetting my muse

A MUSE FOUND, A CHANGE OF HEART

2005-07-14T00:15:00.000+08:00

A MUSE FOUND,
A CHANGE OF HEART.

Yes, I've decided to come back. Only after getting the correct signs from my surroundings, beckoning me to start writing again. It was only when I'm back in Singapore that I was able to really think about myself and my goals and dreams in life. I think and hopeful that I've managed to somehow sort my thoughts and confusion out well. I really hope so.

I've returned from my 11 days in Perth. They were filled with lots of love, fun, laughter, good company, good food, contentment, settlement and adventure. If one asked me how was my trip, I would say that no words could truly describe the trip. All in all, I've managed to find so much love in all the 11 days I've spent down under. The signs of love just radiates through the perfect skyline, the round, bright Sun, the rolling hills, the majestic trees of the forest and the beautiful calm ocean. I was very awed and captivated by how beautiful and untamed nature truly is and how rare it is to still find them in this almost-contaminated world of ours.

Also, not forgetting the final revelation that I want to spend the rest of my life with a man named Nazrul Hakim Bin Jamali. I'm no longer looking back. My decision is final. I pray and hope everything will turn out fine. I love you Hakim....I love you so much....

Having Mas as a travelling partner was awesome. I could not ask for a better partner then my very own bestfren. Though the trip was kinda rough for her, I admire her strength and loyalty nontheless. You have been such a pleasure to be around with and though it could be our first and last trip together, I'll cherish the memories and hold them very near to my heart.

Meeting Hakim's hsemates, Diana and Imran was awesome and getting along fine with them was a bonus! Thanx for making our stay a comfortable and welcoming one and I do hope we'll remain frens and stay in touch. You peeps add more colour and vibrancy to our journey. Thank you.

To God, thank you for protecting us and our families back home while we were away. Thanx for making the trip worthwhile....

To my readers...thanx for reading my blog. There'll be more coming up soon..till then...u juz have to wait.

I have finalli found the reason to write again and that is to express my thoughts and views from my perspective in the best verbal form I could lay out to the public. Yes, there's responsibilities that comes with it but this time, I'm more prepared. I want to write not because I want to please others or gain others' approval, but more so of writing some truths that shoud be made known. It's not about popularity nor is it about trying too hard. I'll just let it all flow...slow and steady.

For once, I'm contented.

An announcement

2005-07-04T03:10:00.000+08:00

AN ANNOUNCEMENT

After much thoughts, I have decided to close my blog. I think I've had my fair share of experiencing the blogging world. Hmmm...I think, my objectives are not met and that I'm beginning to write for the wrong reasons.

Blogging can be fun, but it can also jeopardize relationships and cause many heartaches. I believe many things are better left unknown.

I'm also making a pt to not read others' blogs so much. Best if I juz dunnoe. So I'm sensitive, that's juz me. A trait I try to control and onli I now myself best. Certain things have made me think a lot and I believe certain things need to change. Some r radical, some r subtle. But all I'm doing is for the very best.

To readers, if there r any out there, sorry if anything written here hv offended u in one way or another. Now I do noe that the "pen is indeed sharper than a sword". Let's juz let u be u, and me be me.

So goodbye to all and I pray that all will live a happy and blessed life ahead.

Amin.

To perth, to perth

2005-06-29T19:28:00.000+08:00

TO PERTH, TO PERTH

So the day has finally come.

Past few days were quite slow. Considering that I had a slight fever and flu. Went to the polyclinic for some medicine. Which is good so I have medicine for myself over there in Perth. So i spent my time sleeping most of the time and tried to avoid carbs to lose some weight. Which I have...

I did not manage to see Mas on Monday but I was healthy enuff to see Shak yesterday. The medicine was working it's magic on me I guess.

On the family front, well...i'm a bit sappy coz I'm leaving them. Yesterday morning, during Subuh, my mum hugged me coz she was thinking I was going away. I felt sappy. My dad bought durians before I go off and I ate alone with him. My bro was being very considerate with me these days. They're my lovely family and I have to leave them for Perth. A part of me wishes I cld bring them along. One day I guess. I noe I'm going to miss them there.

How I'm feeling? A bit nervous coz I'm going somewer far with my bestfren. This time, it's a place I've neva been to. So it can be quite nerve recking. I hope everything goes well. I've been praying so hard that things will go on well. I can feel HIM, the Almighty, close to me. HE will be enuff to protect me. I believe in HIM so dearly. I've opened up my religious books on Tayammum, Musafir and Shalat Qasar and Jama'. All will be well. I'll make sure my prayers are all in place and proper. I wld like to thank D for smsing me n reminding me to read the doa musafir before I go.

I pray God will protect me while I'm there. I have followed the sharat of going there with a trusted fren. I pray that God will give me a safe journey to Perth and back to Singapore. I pray to God that He will protect my loved ones here in Singapore while I'm away. I pray that God take cares of everyone in this world.

Till then, I hope all of u will be well always. Pray that everything will be fine. Insyaallah, I'll keep my readers updated with my trip to Perth. Till then, bubbye. Peace be upon u.

2005-06-25T01:14:00.000+08:00

My fav pic

WAT A WEEK!

2005-06-25T00:11:00.000+08:00

WHAT A WEEK!

All I can say is wow!

So many things had happened over this past week. And I guess many more adventures are awaiting me in the next few weeks to come till school reopens.

So, the recount begins now.

Last Sunday, the newly weds visited my house for a session known as " Sembah Menyambah ". It's wen the newly weds gets to noe their relatives closer. Anyway, the other Singaporean relatives came over too so that it'll be on big family gathering. I must say I've enjoyed myself at family gatherings. Clearly, if I were a Sim, I'll be the one with the family aspiration!

So I gave my kuzzin the edited wedding foto. It is already being framed and wrapped up. I also made a foto album of their wedding with funny captions and all. It was tiring and actually required lots of money getting the fotos developed and finding and buying a big frame wasn't easy either. It's difficult to find a nice Super 8R foto frame. So anyway, the newly weds loved my prezzie and Abang Najib kept on hugging the Big foto. Heheh. My other relatives look thru the foto album and they laughed so hard. I guess my lameness n corny jokes does come in handy at times...Heheh.

So all ate and my aunt brought her karaoke selection and insisted that everybody should sing. Me, who does not favour karaokeing too much, were all part of a singing fiesta on a Sunday afternoon. Those who do not sing enjoyed goreng pisang, tea, coffee and mee goreng kerang. By night time, everyone went home and I was left packing for my KL trip late at night.

The next morning, I met Su at Golden Mile Complex and we hopped onto the Sri Maju bus, on our way to KL. To me, it brought back lots of memories. It was exciting coz it's my first trip with Su to a foreign land. I've been to KL many times before and I noe how to go ard Kl myself but this is the first time I've been to anywer with Su.

We reached KL ard 3pm and we made our way to Berjaya Times Square apartments, wer we'll be staying for the next three days. It was a lovely place. I love the deco, the furniture, the bathroom, the view, the service. The apartment costs RM 2000 a night, but it's Su's sister's ex-boss's place. So we're just guests. There's two bedrooms so we stayed in one of it.

Then we had lunch and soon we were greeted by Lee, Su's sister's bestfren. She brought us to HArd Rock Cafe. I was very excited to go into Hard Rock coz i've never been there. So Lee drove us there in her new Toyota Vios. Once in, we sat and Prakash, the owner of the apartment we're staying in greeted us and ordered us our food. while he entertain his clients, Su, Lee and me sat at another table as we ate. I had 2 shirley temples! I love that mocktail! So we shared a jumbo combo and a fudgy brownie with ice cream. Delicious.

The next day, we had breakfast in the apartment. Room service. I've always wanted to experience room service. So we ate the breakfast and then headed down to KLCC. After walking ard for a while and a must stop to Kino, we headed to A & W for a light lunch. Then, we headed back to the apartment. I had a headache and so once we reached home, I slept for an hour while Su watched a dvd. Woke up and we all hit the gym facilities for an hour.
We then head back to the apartment n get ready to meet Lee again for dinner at Mid-Valley Shopping Centre. We walked ard for a while and then Lee was kind enuff to bring us ard KL while being in the car. I love car rides. Wenever I'm in Johor, Abang NAjib and Kak Aefy will drive me ard town to get me familiarise with the place.

The next day, we didn't do much. Ate breakfast, packed up, took pictures, had lunch at Thai Square downstairs and left the apartment. Lee drove us to Puduraya and we waited for our bus which would bring us back to Singapore. Overall, it was an alright trip.

My parents fetched me home that night and upon reaching home, we had dinner together and Baba bought durians for us to savour on. Yummy!

I had to teach the next day. While tutoring, I wahsed my dirty laundry from the trip and air them out too. Night time, I headed out to Serangoon North for a party. Not exactly the wild raven ones at discos and such. Though it'll be a scene to see a scarf-headed Muslim woman hitting the discoteques even though its a common scene in some parts of the world.

During my bbq in the early month of May, I had invited LAy Leng. She's an NIE student, like me, in the same course, but I have never noticed her before till the BBQ. So becoz Callie invited her and me getting to noe her betta, she invited my friends and I to her meet up party, wer some of her own NIE frens were there too. So i fetched Callie in Sengkang an we headed down to LAy Leng's place. James, Bryse, PArveen, Dorothy, Linda, Wendy and MAble were oreadi there. I dunnoe all very well, but after a couple of conversations, it was nice getting to know them better. I was already comfortable with James, Callie, LAy Leng and Parveen. To get to noe others was a bonus. So we all ate and chatted. LAy Leng was nice enuff to cater Halal food for me. I met her children and her husband. Her apartment was nice and spacious. She even had her own built in wardrobe! So we all chatted and shared experiences abt travelling, school, gossips, lecturers, etc. I headed home ard 11+ after having a nice private chat with Callie. It was a pleasant nite.

Today, nothing much happened except that it was a very hot day and it slowed me down while doing my normal household chores. I taught my tutee again today and got my pay. Shall keep that for Aussie. I played Sims for a while and met Hakim online. We skyped and webcam. He teased me so much till I cannot stand his jokes anymore. I screamed. Dunnoe y. Maybe to release my laughter or irkness. Sheesh...my boyfren can realli make me go nuts! Even so, I'll always love him.

HAd dinner at Bedok Corner. Ate Ikan BAkar, kang kong belacan, Lala sambal and Iced Cheng Teng. Lovely combination. Then we bought two durians coz my mum has a craving for durians. Furthermore, there's an oversupply of durians in Singapore and the price can be as cheap as 50 cents each. Oh well!

So that's my medicocre English story aka recount of my week. Oh forgot to mention that I hv finally submitted my article to Fids, my editor. She juz came back from Sri LAnka and thank God she's back in one piece. She has read my article and she said it was greta. Wat a great relief! I was so worried she might not like it. After getting constructive comments from frens and several editions of my article, it was handed in. Fids did mention how my article is going to raise Mrs Seah's eyebrows. Coz it is a very tongue-in-cheek kinda article. we're hoping she has a great sense of humour....I hope so....

This long entry can be a rather boring one but I hope u'll have a good time looking thru the pics ok! Have fun!

COMPETITION

2005-06-18T00:03:00.000+08:00

COMPETITION

Charles Darwin hypothesizes a theory about Natural Selection. I can't remember my bio very well. But I do noe it agrees with a very famous saying: 'Survival of the fittest'.

That will be my new topic for this entry. I have always wanted to right abt a particular issue. And finally this came up. No, I'm not going to tok abt a pair of boobs that had been publicized everywer in the mass media in town. I'm going to discuss abt being competitive, be it as a student or a working colleague.

Being Singaporeans, I am sure there r many of us who juz have to have this trait. Competition. If u r not willing to compete, u might as well call urself obselete or completely in denial. People had to fight very hard for wat they want. Be it the highest most coveted position in the company, being noticed by a publicist as an artiste or even being considered the top of the cohort. All is about being the creme le creme. Sometimes, I wonder if this world has ever make space for average people. I mean, it seems so brutal. Everything is about being on top. Being the best. Being the number one. Then if u r not up there, at least be related to there or being almost there. Obviously the focus will always be on the ones who get the spotlight, the so-called coveted position.

How many times do we try to associate ourselves with someone famous, or even acquaintances who we r not even close but since they r famous, we say , "I noe her. She's a very nice gal. She's my fren u noe." Wen actualli, in truth, u dunnoe her well enuff or might not even hold a high regard of her. All because she has the limelight. The so-called lucky ones.

It's the same abt school and being in the best class, best school, best JC, best uni. It's all about being the best. If not best in the world, it'll be abt best in the region. Do u realize how there seem to have no space for averagity?

Since I was in primary school, I had learnt and often told by people that I had to fight for wat I want. That being in the best class provides a good opportunity to be better. That it was then, that I've been surrounded by realli intellectual kids, that competition plays a very big role in determining how great u r as a student in the whole school. That it is not enuff being in the best class. U hv to top the class. It's fair game now. It's no longer about "Thank God that U r indeed intelligent!' It has turned into "Who's the brainiest kid in school?"

Well, if u r constantly facing a teacher who propagated abt having A-stars and being in top schools in Singapore, U can't help but to hv the same mindset. And then, I start having my own high expectations. I mean I noe I can and should be able to reach them. I juz noe. I do not question my capability. I juz noe. But wen I failed to deliver, i feel utter disappointment. Mainly becoz I cannot reach my own goals. Or better still, not doing better than those who normally does worse than myself.

I distinctly remember how sarcastic my teacher sounded to me while handing my PSLE result slip to me. MAybe she was disappointed with me for getting all A's and not having any A-stars, but that does not explain the way she said it sarcastically, "RAfiqah, no A-stars u noe." Wat could I do? I was 12, hopeful to get into a decent school (decent I mean top 20 schools in Singapore). Then I realised how others, whom I hv always done better than them, had done better than me, and they have at least achieved 1 A-star.

I went home, crying. I cried in the bus on the way home. Sobbing that I did not get any A-star. I was saddened because Mrs BAey was disappointed in me and utterly horrifed that I was unable to achieve even a single A-star. I reached my aunt's home, who was taking care of me at that time. I was surrounded by she and her sons and they were juz plain shocked to see my results and to see me cry. They tot I was crazy to cry over really good results. To them, getting an A was gd, but to get 4 A's was marvellous. To me, it was utter shame and I tot they can never relate to my sadness because they're just average people.

Same goes for O'levels. I was expecting a single pointer. I tot I wld get a 9 or 10. In the end, i got a 14. Again, horrified. Plain horrifed I cannot go into TJC. I went home, alone again, crying in the bus, again. I cried I cldn't get a single pointer wen actualli I had realli good grades. I had As for most of my subjects. To me, at that time, I jus sucked. HAving 2 numbers was kinda....insulting. Esp wen others, who hv never done better than me, did better. Gosh was I frustrated.

By JC period, my definition of success has changed. I still compete, but not with my frens. Juz myself coz I noe I cannot beat the rest due to the fact that I didn't do much studying and I cldn't coz of the depression and Rugby. I didn't do too well, but I was happy I passed. it was an achievement. For once, I did not measure my self worth with others but juz myself. And I tot I have managed to compete myself, finally.

Recently, my NIE results came out. I was very thankful of my results. And I told myself I dun wanna noe how others had fared coz I noe I wld and cld feel competitive. I stumbled upon a blog and she posted her results. I stared at her blog for minutes. My heart racing. And I was starting to feel all riled up again. The first thing that came to my mind was , "How the hell did she get to do much better than me?"

I mean, she had never done better than me, y now? Y oh y? People who I dun expect to get an interview by NIE for the cross-over got it. People who I dun expect to do better than me, did so. I understand different pple study differently. And that they might juz have put in more effort than me. I also believe that everyone has their own rezeki(share) and I shd not compare their rezeki and mine. BUT I CANNOT HELP BUT FEEL JEALOUS.

Sometimes I wonder if I have penyakit dengki, ehh...somekind of sickness of the heart wer u dun like to see other people happy. Sadist?

I asked my mum, and she said, no. I dun have that. Maybe, it all boils down to the fact that I know I cld do better but I did not measure up to my own expectations. My Supervisor once said that maybe I need to alter my expectations and that it may be too unrealistic. Self-expectations and competition goes hand in hand. Sometimes for good wen U noe u r better than someone and u compete to always be better. Sometimes it's bad, esp wen they did better than u and beat u at ur own mindgames.

Su mentioned that wat's most impt is to measure it to urself and dun care abt wat others have done. The thing is, I noe it all. I've heard all the philosophies and comforting words and ideologies, but I still cannot help but wonder and feel jealous.

Su, my bestfren, noes how i'm feeling, coz we used to be competitors in secondary school. Strange enuff we're best frens. And her competitive side has been wif her till uni. And she did blogged down abt how she felt abt a particular sumone whom she tot she cld hv done better. Of course, it's her blog and she cld write anything she wants. Only to be critisized by the gal Su wrote abt and sumhow destroying their frenship. The gal actualli tot that Su's psychotic that she's obsessed abt grades and started critisizing her mum for the way Su was brought up as a kid and being mental and anal abt competition and grades. It affected Su so much.

I've realized how to others, competition is considered to be somewat mental. But come on, r u telling me u hv neva felt competitive ever? How abt that time wen u asked ur frens abt their grades or whether they hv done so and so's assignments? Why do u even do that?

Competition. That's the answer. How do people get into top schools? Competition. How do people get to cross-over? Competition. How do people get scholarships? Competition. How do people get jobs? Competition.

Wen I take a step back and reflect, I've realize how obsessive humans can be abt competition. I guess, too much of it is no good either. Healthy competition is better. As for myself, I have to make sure that my jealousy can be used as a catalyst for me to prove to myself that I cld do better and not to care so much abt how others did. I have to maintain my focus as to how I cld do better for myself rather than comparing it to others.

But I do hv one question unanswered...Is there no room for being average in this world?

2005-06-17T13:48:00.000+08:00

Viva to us!

OuT with the Woodsvillians

2005-06-17T12:58:00.000+08:00

OUT WITH THE WOODSVILLIANS

Last Sunday, I met up with my Primary school pals: MAs, HAsan and Rozali.

We were all in the same class in primary 5 and 6. And we onli started to realli keep in touch with one another 5 yrs ago, when we're moving into tertiary education. Thru out the secondary yrs, I was in touch with MAs and was constantly writing letters to Rozali. Back then, we still do write letters, compared to nowadays wer an e-mail will suffice.

In 2000, all of us went to JB and stayed at the Putri PAn, along with HAsan's RJC frens. We had a very good time till this day, we can never forget that night. No, it was not a mass orgy mind u! It was a night filled with gossips, sharing info, telling ghosts stories, jokes and truth or dare. Yes, very adolescent and teenage of us but hey, we're juz acting accordingly to our age groups.

Since then, we made it a pt to keep in touch and to go out every HAri RAya. Past two years we weren't able to do so. MAybe coz pple are very busy with their own lives. I shall tell u more abt each person.

MAS: U all hv heard her name before. YEs, she's the same bestfren I hv always referred to. It's been 12 yrs (for her our frenship lasted for 13 yrs..dun ask y) we've been frens and I hope we remain so forever. She came into Woodsville Pri in primary three, later than most of us. And, embarrassing enuff she recognised me when I can't even remember her. U see, we've met before. The first time I met her was at my Kuzzin Amy's birthday party. Turn out that MAs is Amy's kuzzin. So technically, we both are related. So our parents noe each other and stuff. A few years later, she was in the same weekend religious school as me. It was onli for a yr and then she moved. Then, we met again in Woodsville, and thaat's wen it all began. She recognised me at the monkey bars in school and said, "U r RAfiqah rite? I'm MAsrina lah! remember?"

I said, "Oh yah Hi!" And placed a grin on my face. I turned to my other frens and they ask, U noe the new gal. I said, "Entah, dunnoe, I can't remember. I'm juz playing along!"

LOL. Yep...I did that. But after sumtime, I remembered. And we wer in the same class eversince primary 4.

HASAN: I hv lots of respect for this guy. He is after all, my first crush. Actualli, my one and onli big crush. y? Coz he's brilliantly clever, very humble and always gets number one amongst the MAlay community of our level. I was always number two. He became well-liked by teachers that sumtimes me and MAs found him rather obnoxious. We always made fun of him and all. Calling him retarded and stupid. we had a name for him :- 'STUPID BUT GENIUS' . Stupid coz sumtimes he lacks common sense, genius coz he's jus so freaking clever. Always top ten in school. Always win best MAlay student every yr.

However, thru out the whole time, me and MAs secretly likes him. Heheh. Of course for Mas it died down. I had a crush on him untill my JC days. It's funny how we r frens now coz back then in pri school, we hardly tok to each other. In JC, I got closer to HAsan and we were on the fone quite often. Then one day, I confessed to him that I liked him and wondered if he feels the same way.

Sadly, he said no and that he treated me just as a fren. Of course, I was heartbroken. And I tot, that's it, that will be the end of a wonderful frenship. However, he kept in contact wif me and kept calling me and all. He's a genuinely nice guy I guess. i'm so glad we're still in touch. Of course now we call each other very much less. And I've realised that there r no chemistry bet me n him. But I do treasure him as a fren.

ROZALI: Gosh, I can never forget this boy. I used to remember him being in 1--5 or 2-5. He was an obese kid with smelly shirt and baggy shorts. Always never tuck in his shirt. Actualli he was a nice person, but he can be very irritating sometimes. and, Me and Mas always remember him as the Shiok Sendiri kind. Coz he liked me and MAs interchageably. LOLOL. Today he liked me, then I said I dun. Then he dun like me. The he liked MAs. And Mas dun like him, so heliked me back. It happen thruout the primary 5 and 6 yrs. But he can be sweet sumtimes. He gave me my first flower on my Birthday. Sheer sweetness I tell u.

So, I kept in touch with Rozali thru letters during secondary school days. He became a very artistic person. He likes to be creative and all. And I truly appreciate wat he had done to the postcards and letters he gave me. Now, he doesn't gave me any lah. But I still do keep them.

Now, MAs is working at the Malay Herotage CEntre and hopefully will be getting married to Saiful next yr. HAsan is in NUS Engineering. Rozali is a firefighter. ME, well, I'm in NIE training to be a teacher. I'm juz very glad we kept in touch. And I hope we remain frens forever. We r all very different by nature and personalities wise. Nevertheless, we still make an efoort to keep in touch.

LAst Sunday, we had dinner at FAr East Plaza. Then We drove to Esplanade wer we took some pics. We all agreed it looked like pics we cld have taken for a CD Album. Lol...btw, Saiful was ard wif us. Nice to have him ard too coz he's a funny guy.

U can hv a look at the fotos here. Enjoy!

Update Thurs

2005-06-16T22:22:00.000+08:00

UPDATE THURS

Today is update day. A simple day. A day I enjoyed. A day that's a bit different from any other days.

I managed to wake up early. YEAH!! Finally, I was able to wake up at 9.30am. First thing on my mind was airing the clothes outside in the hot, humid sun. So I did it. I like being responsible once in a while. Makes me feel rather productive. Most imptly is whether I enjoyed myself. Which I did. Hoorah to me ~!

Then, I exercised. It's the third time in a week. An accomplishment. At least I've managed to reach the min quota of a healthy dosage of exercise. Now, I need a bit more push to lose the excess weight I've beared for a long time. Just have to keep trying I guess even though there were many days I've felt like giving up.

Before leaving home to meet Su, I had a light breakfast of Toasted bread and peanut butter. Only a layer. It was enuff to kick start the day. Then I headed to Tampines Interchange to get the wedding foto of my kuzzin developed. The big one which I edited. So, it'll be ready once I'm back from Orchard. Which will be ard 8+pm. Happy I managed to settle the impt matters first, I headed off to Lavende MRT station, waiting for Su to perchase our bus tix to KL.

The KL trip with Su has been long overdued. It was supposed to happen last yr, but it's been postponed at least twice to next Monday, 20th June 2005. It became real once the tix were bought. Both of us were pretty much excited abt the trip. It's the first time we are going overseas together. And I believe it meant a lot to both of us coz we've always wanted to go somewer together. Now wld be KL. In the future maybe sumwer else. Insya-Allah. Act so with the many frens I have. Most of us juz want to travel somewer together. For adventure and fun. Heck, we belong to a generation wer travelling is considered to be a past time. So, I believe many others out there wld wanna travel somewer someday.

Then we headed to Orchard Cineleisure to buy Batman Begins tix. I was a skeptic abt watching another Batman movie. i have never felt connected to such movies abt superheroes in costumes/suits with exception to The Incredibles and Spiderman. With much persuasion from Su, i relented and felt like prob I shd give it a try.

So we bought the tix, which was to start in an hour plus. So in the mean time, we had lunch. I had Burger king's Shrimp Salad, which I've totally fallen in love with. It seems lately, i have always settled for BK's salad over my normal Mushroom Swiss or Turkey BAcon meal. I'm addicted to greens. I was so inspired by the yummy salad that I've made salads many times at home myself. Not to bad. Of course not the same since I've realised that the salad dressing used by BK is not available in Singapore. Other than that, i've managed to prepare salads very well to the pt my family loves the salads I was making. Thanks to BK's salad. So while Su and I devoured our salads, we chatted and tok and laughed. I was so hungry, and wanted to buy another salad, but Su stopped me. So I had to practice self-control. I believe it cld be the effects of exercise and diet. I believe I was in detoxing mode wer I felt slight giddiness and a constant thirst for water.

So the time has come to judge the movie. Results- I DUN MIND WATCHING IT AGAIN! It was much better than any of the Batman prequels I have ever watched. The script was better, the acting was good, there was balance of darkness and light-hearted humor and the focus was not so much on love and sex. FINALLY, HOLLYWOOD REALIZES THAT THE FOCUS SHD NOT BE TOO MUCH ON SEX AND VIOLENCE. I felt that this version of Batman was more realistic to the context of a real society than the previous portrayal of any super-heroes in Spandex jumping on roofs trying to safe the world, which is rather incredulous and silly!

So, happy abt the movie, and relief for Su coz the movie managed to impress her skeptic bestfren, we headed back to Burger king. For me, another salad, chicken this time, while she had a cheeseburger. Lovely, that was considered as my dinner. So we walked to Taka, went to the library, which was such a tease to both of us coz we had our cards full with books and we can't borrow anymore. I had it wen it's there but not available for u to borrow. Same goes for shopping. i hate to window shop wen I have no money. Such a tease. So trying and tempting and yet rather irritating. So near and yet so far. It's like being on an ecstascy pill. U r high and see beautiful images and u tot they were real, wen actually they r just mind games. See the deception.

We headed to Kino, I saw some books, one abt being a Goddess in the 21st century. That's abt astrology. I have this thing abt astrology since the TK days. But I have never bought any astrology books nor tarot cards which I had been dying to get one since a long time. It's juz for fun. Maybe deep down I was worried it might shake or interfere with my beliefs as a Muslim. Well, maybe one day, wen I'm brave enuff, coz one book really caught my eye. Hehe.

Suzanne Elizabeth Phillips has produced a new book. 'Ain't She Sweet'. So, gals who loves this author as I do, go look out for the book. It's not bad. I was tempted to buy it. But I controlled myself again.

Then we headed home, Su to Woodlands, Me back to Tampines. Reaching the Tamp MRT station, I made a detour to TM to pay my phone bill followed by activating International Roaming for my fone so that I'm contactible by my loved-oned wen I'm anywer in the world. Well, I'm activating it for only a mth, then I'm de-activating it back. I was feeling good abt my body and all, and I decided to hv a little sinful pleasure of Roti Boy. I can hear Su going 'It contains Trans-Fat which causes high cholesterol'. Well, juz once.... Heheh

Then I collected the fotos I send earlier in the day. It was nice. the pple at the counter was saying that the pic is so romantic. Hehe...and I went home.

Onli to be brought out again for dinner. I was so worried coz I dun wanna eat anymore. But at the same time I dun wanna hurt my parent's excitement of eating outside coz they've not eaten their dinner yet. So I tagged along. And wen the food came, I avoided the chicken rice. I ate a slice of steamed chicken, the breast onli. Then there was a veggie dish known as 'Chap Chye'. So I focus on eating the greens. Nice! I avoided slurping the soup of the Veggie coz it might contain more sodium than the veggies. So, again, I practiced self-control.

Of course, while going home, I was worried I had eaten a lot. But once I reached home, i drank lots of water, I felt light again. And after writing down wat I ate, I believed I've eaten lots of veggies today. Which is good. I shd keep it up! Heheh. I hope I can keep it up. And at the same time continue to exercise everyday for at least 30 mins. I guess, I have to be patient with my own body. Sometimes the results dun come easily. Someone did mention that wat is impt is whether I'm healthy. Which is true. But I believe, I need to lose the weight. It has been an endless battle for me. This war I have against being overweight. I admit I love food. I love to savour and enjoy the delectable taste of food. It's not juz abt gulping down food to stuff my tummy. It's abt the appreciation of the beauty of food. HAiz. Of course it affects my body weight. Maybe I shd look out for the quantity and the exercise I'm doing. I hope this time it works. Coz I realli want to lose the extra pounds. Coz I'm sick and tired of looking like a Makcik. Tired of thinking that I look better wen I'm slim.

For a while, I tot I can never be slim. Then my Mum said, u wldn't noe. So I'm trying again. We'll see. But wat I realli hope is that wen I do lose weight, I hope I remember not to forget who I was and start being realli arrogant abt my body and all. The last thing I wanna be is a snobbish bitch. Then instead of being more beautiful, I'm turning into a real ugly monster. Hopefully, I wun turn into that monster. Pray hard I wun.

So that's it. Maybe tom I'll update on a meeting I had with my pri school frens last Sunday. Way overdue I noe, but, it's juz me. I wun type an entry if i dun feel like it. So, hopefully tom will be just as eventful as today. Till then, bye pple and see yall soon. If any of u hv managed to lose weight and it worked on u, do share with me thru my tag-board. I wld love to noe wat makes u lose ur extra flabs. Till then, Ciao!

WHAT I VALUE MOST

2005-06-14T11:17:00.000+08:00

WHAT I VALUE MOST

If u have read my previous entry and many others, u wld have come across the answer to the above title. I very much value my privacy. I can joke with u and all and yes sometimes we make fun of each other. But there's normally a thin line I will neva cross.

PRIVACY

One word with a lot of mystery shrouded ard it. A word that can be associated with idioms like ' Dun let the cat out of the bag', 'Curiosity kills the cat', 'Wat u dunno might not hurt', 'Dun wash ur dirty laundry in public' etc. Yes, it is rather normal and interesting to read the newspapers and read about other people's dirty laundry, but it is no longer funny wen it is abt ur own.

Normally I type in the middle of the night for my blog entries coz I feel more peaceful and relax. Now I'm typing ard 11+am and rather emotional and affected.

I juz open MSN wen I come across an email from a fren. The person reccommended a site to take on the prediction of my love life. I've always been on tickle.com wen I get to take quizzes after quizzes juz to noe myself betta. So I'm a sucker for it. So I took the test predictor. The questions were rather intrusive into my personal life but because they wanted me to be honest, so I did.

Only at the end to find out that it was all a scam and that the person who mail or forward the webbie to me gets to read all my deepest darkest secrets.

I was devastated. Devastated. Shattered. Angry. No longer was I excited but I had a lot of fear in me. I panic. I cldn't think straight no longer. I screamed out loud in my room juz to release my mixed emotions. I became threatened too.

Wat's worst is the webbie make it seem as if it's all nothing and that it is a normal thing and that it is FUN! Can u believe it! THEY HAVE THE GALL TO SAY IT IS FUN! THAT EXPOSING OTHERS SECRETS IS FUN! EXPOSING OTHERS VULNERABILITY IS A PLAY THING! AND THE SITE IS PROUD THAT THEY HAVE MANAGED TO DIG 500, 000 SECRETS!

My mouth was wide gape opened!

Wat is wrong with these people. Aren't there anymore morale and sensitivity towards others in us human beings these days! Wen will they noe that there r certain things that u shd not poke ur nose into. It's no longer abt being nosey but it is already abt intrusion of privacy. If realli, I cld sue the webbie for a scam and misleading facts that leads to an intrusion of my privacy. I was tricked into believing that all was nothing but a love predictor. So technically, it is not my fault. Neither the person who forwarded the webbie to me .

It's like an e-mail scam. I take the test. And they will publish my quiz answers to my fren who had pass the email to me. and if I want I can do the same to my frens thru email so I can read their secrets since one other person hv read mine!

Wat is this nonsense! Do unto others as how u want onto urself? Bull!

I find it disgusting that the webbie is making a fortune instilling into fellow web riders that reading other's secret is a perfectly ok thing. So wat if the email is passed to frens. Sumtimes frens dun wanna tell all too. I find it disgusting, horrandous, appaling and massively disappointing. Wer is ur dignity? Aren't u no longer human?

I did not mail my frens the email. Coz I noe it's not proper. Also coz I'm affected by the darn mail! Some might think I'm exaggerating. People will say' "It's juz a quiz."

Well, it is not so to me. This whole thing realli confirms how very much I treasure my privacy. There r so many things I can tok abt with others but juz sum not meant for others to noe. Y can't it juz be that way. Leave the unknown as it is.

To the fren who had passed the mail to me, dun worry I'm not angry with u. Maybe u took the test w/o realizing it urself in the beginning and got trick in the end. However, I do appreciate it if U dun read the reply answer from me. I hope u cld delete it. I will neva noe whether u hv read or not or whether wat u claim to me later on is true or not. But things that do go ard will definitely come ard.

2005-06-12T01:59:00.000+08:00

Kak Aefy & I

2005-06-12T01:58:00.001+08:00

Bride's hands

2005-06-12T01:58:00.000+08:00

Bride's feet

2005-06-12T01:57:00.000+08:00

DIY Henna on ma feet!

2005-06-12T01:56:00.001+08:00

Ma & Kak Aefy

2005-06-12T01:56:00.000+08:00

The groom aka Abang Najib

2005-06-12T01:55:00.000+08:00

The bride aka Kak Aefy

2005-06-12T01:54:00.000+08:00

The Hantaran from both sides

2005-06-12T01:53:00.000+08:00

After the nikah & tears....

2005-06-12T01:52:00.000+08:00

Me, Kak Aefy, Kak Liya and Kak Ayu

2005-06-12T01:43:00.000+08:00

The bride and groom

The Wedding

2005-06-11T11:36:00.000+08:00

THE WEDDING

Congratulations to my kuzzin, Kak Aefy and her husband, Abang Najib for having gone thru a wedding that I'll neva forget!

It's been a week since the real wedding itself. I had been tired for quite sumtime. Hence the reason y I had not given a prompt update on the wedding. In short, the wedding was a somewat traditional Malay wedding. The itinerary is as such:

Day 1 (Friday): Relatives came and paid a visit to my aunt's house. All had a look at the Bride's room with a bed decorated with Gifts aka Hantaran on it. Everything was purplish. It was nice. Night time, the Henna ladies came to don the henna on the bride. The remaining henna was used by me so that I cld apply it myself on my feet. Hehe!

Sidenote: I reached my aunt's hse ard noon and was greeted by my relatives who reached there earlier than me, my mum and another aunt. I was warmly greeted by my kuzzin, kak Aefy, and she brought me to her room and we tok for a while. She told me of some problems she faced with her Mak Andam aka Make-up Lady, that she would not be around during the Solemnization ceremony aka Nikah and that her Nikah's costume is too big for her and that the Mak Andam did not alter the costume for her. So I offered to make her up and that her clothes can be altered by me. I dunnoe y i did it. Maybe deep inside I feel a great sense of loyalty towards my family members. I rarely speak of my feelings and I'd rather show thru actions instead. Funny how it's different with frens coz I'd normally keep an open verbal communication with ma frens.

So I practiced the make up on her, trying the different eye-shadow shades or even lip stick colour for her, donning the tudung for her and all the necessary accessories. That night, the henna ladies came and placed their intricate, creative patterns on my kuzzin's hands and feet. So she had to be immobile for at least 3 hours coz if not, the colour will not appear bright enuff. I Had neva like the idea of wearing henna for I feel it's juz redundant and no proper significance to the wedding. However, wen my kuzzin had hers, I soon realize it's juz a form to beautify the bride. No harm I guess. It's kinda fancy actualli.

Day 2 (Sat): Nikah At the mosque. Lunch at home. Kenduri at night followed by a Majlis Berinai.

Sidenote: Woke up early to make sure the bride is ready. So somehow, God willing, i managed to make Kak Aefy up and get her clothes altered with two large pins! Somehow, the pins was very well camouflaged and it created a fan-like pattern on my kuzzin's back. Nice! She looked not too bad herself.

Reached the Mosque at 8.45am and the ceremony started at 9.30am with 11 other couples! Yep, 11 others getting married at the same time that morning. Y?...Long story...The imam of another district was away on umrah and had to send the marrying couples of that day to the mosque I was attending. So this mosque's imam had to do the job. And, it's juz bad-luck that the imam is so draggy and slow. Hence, the ceremony did not end till almost 1pm! Yup. But luckily we were in the mosque the whole time and were covered from the hot sun. The nikah was quite touching and heart-feeling at the end, once the solemnization enede. It marks the time wen the Bride is no longer the responsibility of her father and that the responsibility has been passed on to her husband. It was till my kuzzin and my aunt hugged that made me and others teared up as well. Very touching moment. Sheesh, I'm a very sensitive person, so these emo sessions can get me teared up very easily.

So, got home, tired and all. Had lunch with my kuzzin and her frens, Kak Ayu and Kak Liya. Met them previously in the mosque. Lovely gals. We cracked jokes and all. Nice bunch of gals to hang out with. While mixing ard with them, I've realised there's not much difference bet Johor gals and Singaporean gals. After lunch and prayers, I had a nap with my kuzzin till the evening coz we had to wait for the Mak Andam to arrive.

So, the ever-so professional Mak Andam came and she made up my kuzzin. Lucky it was not too bad. Juz with all the heavy make-up, the bride doesn't look like the real bride anymore. Lol. But the Mak Andam, Kak Shida, was a nice lady. If u do tok to her, u'll realize she's quite down to earth and a very patient lady. So while the bride got herself ready, downstairs, the kenduri took place before dinner.

A while later, the groom came to wear the costume for the malam berinai. It's actually a nite wer all the tepung tawar happened. u noe, the throwing of air mawar, beras kuning, and inai on the hands. U see very little of that in Singapore nowadays coz pple noe it's redundant and juz follow tradition blindly. So abang Najib, being the joker himself, was up to his antiques while changing and everyone juz laughed so hard, everyone in the prep room of course, including myself. I'm the bridesmaid, aka Pengapit. Everywer the bride went, i had to follow. It's not me to follow pple ard but for that weekend, I'd make an exception.

So the time came wer the Bride and Groom came downstairs, sat on the dais and the whole berinai session took place. I got to noe Atie, a gal who tagged along with the photographer. Very sweet gal. She has a very sweet smile and presence. Very friendly I guess. So, the bride and groom changed to the next costume to get their photographs taken. Me on the other hand, had dinner with my other kuzzins and we did not eat the catered food. instead, we ate Burger Ramly, taman Mawar's one. U see, in Johor, onli two places sell good Ramly Burger, Taman Rinting and Taman MAwar. Lovely burgers, very delightful indeed. Not the special ones in Singapore where the onli purpose is to stuff fat Singaporeans like us. The Johor burgers are the original ones, without all the bbq sauce and cheese. Juz plain old slab of meat, with good chilli sauce and onions and veggie with a tinge of curry powder. Nice!

Then night time came and everything is wrapped up!

Day 3(Sun): The real big day. Guests arrive to feast on the Briyani, Ayam Merah, Daging Briyani and Acar Nenas. The groom arrived at 2.30pm and lunch for the bride and groom shortly after wards. There's no big celebration on the groom's side coz it would happen the following week, which is today. Wedding ended at 5.30pm.

Sidenote: Woke up and got myself ready, while waiting for Kak Shida to get Kak Aefy ready. So the 3-hour make-up process and getting dressed started again. I was there the whole time watching Kak Shida applying the 3 layers of foundation and endless layers of shimmer. Lol. I'm not for heavy make-up but if u r the bride, u'll hv to go thru it all. So, I became the call-gal, relaying messages from the bride to downstairs and vice-versa.

The groom came and the bride sat on the dais, fac covered by a small fan held by the Mak Andam while the groom had to pass thru barriers of people asking for money to get permission to see the bride. It was hilarious to see the antiques of pple in excitement and joy. Then took some pics, lunch, changed clothes for more pics and end. My aunt and uncle was too busy entertaining the guests and toking and hanking them for coming while the other relatives helped get rid of the used plates and cups, preparing the food and washing the dishes. Busy, busy, busy. I was so tired I napped for a while. I was awoken by Kak Ayu who came searching for me. Nice to noe someone u've juz met yesterday was eager to see u. She intro me to her bf. Gd looking man. That night, the groom, the bride, and myself went out to send of our relatives to the higway and made a detour to Taman Mawar for some burgers to bring back home for the rest. Apparely all had enuff with the Briyani and wanted to eat something else.

The next day is not part of the wedding but it's a day wer everyone rested and catch up on each other's lives. Afternoon was spent shopping for groceries for a while. HAd a spread for dinner, including satay. Before leaving home, Kak Aefy and Abang Najib opened the prezzies and sure enuff all the home appliances came out. See...I told u all...these r normal prezzies! I came to the wedding without any prezzie and told the bride I'll bring one soon. So, I recently came out a very good idea of framing a very nice wedding foto of both of them and giving it to them. It shd be an eblarged one. The foto u saw above is the gift I intended to give them. It was taken during the nikah. I have erased the background full of people and change the background pic.

The wedding made me realize how much I dunnoe abt my own culture. About being Malay. Sumtimes, I opt not to be Malay coz sometime I'm ashamed to be associated with my own kind. Ashamed to be related to those 'lepaking' at Orchard Rd, the Mats and Minahs, the Gang-fights, the rough street language, the attitude problem, the spitting, etc. But wenver the kampong pple come and the relatives have gathered, esp for weddings, I realized that the wonder of being Malay is the Bahasa, very gentle by nature actualli, the Culture of respecting elders and being gentle and polite towards others, the etiquette towards guests and relatives, the hospitability of home towards others, the sharing of food and water under the same roof, and the feeling of not being petty towards one another. Its like, today, I take care of u, one day or another, it's ur turn to take care of me. Not everything is boiled down to money. If this is wat Malays are realli supposed to be, then I'm proud to be one.

Wen I reached home, I feel a certain loss of. i dunnoe y. Sumhow, I miss the noise of constant chatters amongst relatives, the laughter of young and old, the joke, everything. I'm surprised at how affected I had become since I'm very known for my privacy and all. I guess, sumtimes, it's nice to be surrounded by people who loves u and u loving them back. It's all abt family. The blood that goes thru them, goes thru mine too. I believed I came back very much humbled by the people. I didn't expect to be-friended Kak Ayu, Kak Liya and Atie in such a short time. Actualli, there's more times wer we ate together or chatted but I didn't include in above. I noe my story is long enuff. Apart from knowing other pple's bad sides, i believed I've learn so much that I will keep this wedding as an impt memento in my mind and my heart.

Middle-person Manic

2005-06-01T12:22:00.000+08:00

MIDDLE PERSON MANIC

I hate being the middle-person. Relaying information here and there. Sometimes I hv no choice either. I also hate planning coz most of the time it juz dun happen. Basically right now, there are no words to describe the feelings I hv. Actualli, kinda depressing. I'm stuck in the middle. Different people has different opinions and wants. I could be on the brink of tears but somehow I refuse to cry. I hate myself even more so. I dun understand wat I've done wrong. All I was doing was to relay the messages to the involved parties. Yes, I forgot some details. And it's not as if I purposely forgot. I feel like I'm back in primary school wer forgetting to bring a textbook or homework is a big sin. I try to accommodate on both sides. I've tried so hard only to get both parties who could feel irritated with me. All becoz of me. ME, ME and devilish, incosiderate bitch of me!

U know wat, sometimes I wish I could erase myself from the face of this planet. Maybe it's at this point of my life wer I juz wanna be a hermit. Away from people and juz to myself. I've done it before and for a long time I must say. And I can do it again. Oh yes, all over again. Like the way it was in Rugby, wer I erased everything and anything abt me in it. My name on the rugby board and my presence in the team. I did it so well I doubt anybody can even remember or noe who the Captain was.

I hate to end like this before I go off to Johore and this will be my last entry before I go. I tried calling and calling but no one pick up. And the other party is juz putting the matters aside and dun wanna tink abt it at all. I give up. I juz give-up! I hate to do it but I end up doing it. Obviously everyone else is busy with watever they r doing. Busy with work. Busy with studies. Busy, busy busy! And I always end up being pushed away, far, far away that people r juz concerned abt their own lives. Yes, I know sumtimes it's not a choice that they r busy. That sumtimes they cannot control the situation. That being busy at this point of their lives is something that is unavoidable.

Like, watever lah! You know, I pity myself for putting my excitement in you pple. I hate myself for imagining having good times with my frens. I hate myself for sumtimes putting my frens first. I hate myself for prioritizing others than myself. I hate to be reliant on others. I hate it wen that sumthing that I treasure most means nothing much to others and they dun care. I hate others who make me feel small.

I've also realised how it seems to always be me who's making the fone calls to my frens. Actually...it happens to most frens. It's always me calling them. Me messaging them. Very rarely do they call me first. I wonder why. Is it coz my frens means a whole lot to me or do I not mean as much to them as I regard them to be.

All these sounds realli like petty complains. Maybe I'm juz tired of making the first move. And maybe I feel the way I do coz without realizing it, I expect pple to treat me the same way as I do to them. Frankyly, all the rantings above are all a jumble of the different dissatisfactions I have in life. I dun wanna hurt anyone but i nd to release my tension and stress. i hope noone take anything I wrote above too personally.

And the worst part of it all, I hate everything but for this one time, i juz dunnoe wat to do...

1 wedding, 2 engagements and.......

2005-05-28T22:33:00.000+08:00

1 WEDDING, 2 ENGAGEMENTS AND......

Well, I've changed my blogskin. The old one was kinda depressing for me. Basically I grew bored of it. I like this new one coz it's simple and sweey and easier to read the fonts. And it has shades of PINK! How lovely...

Ok, I actually have so much to write but I shall pick out the main stories.

Next week is my female kuzzin's wedding. She's quite close to me since childhood. Always regard her as my elder sister coz I have none and I'm glad kak Aefy is marrying Abang Najib. He'll take good care of her I believe and he's an easy guy to talk to. So, she smsed me this week and asked whether I could come earlier next week to help her out. I had to cancel my KL trip with Su for her for I feel like maybe i should extend a helping hand. I juz hope i dun hv to peel onions..though i doubt I can run away from it! Sorry Su..and thanks for being very understanding. We'll go KL in June.

Talking abt weddings, another kuzzin of mine, Abang Akir, is oso getting married in early August. these two, Abang Akir and Kak Aefy are like the two I usualli hang ard with when I was younger..and now, they r both going to get married and i noe things r no longer the same. Well, already at family functions, I kinda feel lonely for my geng are no wer insight. All my aunts are talking abt marriages and its preparations and food and yadda yadda yadda. Haiz... So..in the end I'm forced to mix ard with the realli young ones...or...the really old ones. With this upcoming wedding, i'll be away from Wednesday onwards to Johore Baharu, Taman Sciencetek, and be some sort like a bride's maid. Kinda excited actualli but dunnoe why, I feel kinda mellow. Maybe coz i feel time flies so fast. I felt like it was onli yesterday i'm playing ard with Kak Aefy...and when I was younger, we used to bathe together (that was realli young ok...like...4-5 yrs old). Of course now, she has a new bathing partner lah!

My aunts are oreadi mentioning how after kak Aefy's wedding and Abang Akir's, it would be my turn. So, question as to when i'm getting married has arise. My answer is very simple: NOT TILL A VERY, VERY LONG TIME....

And they say, you'll never know...

Talking abt frens, well, some are getting hitched too. Our beloved Miss Masrina Abu Bakar here is getting married next yr in June. My best fren..Yup..I'm actually very happy for her...I trust Saiful will take good care of her too.. that's another time I have to be a bride's maid...that one I'm looking forward to it.

Just recently, on Friday night if I'm not wrong, i was on MSN chatting with Lis and she broke the most surprising news ever (act not so surprising coz I've read Ratna's blog and I kinda noe, but it's nice to have heard the news from herself!). SHE'S GETTING ENGAGED ON 23RD JULY!!!

Lis is an NIE fren of mine and she's getting engaged! Another fren, Ayu, is getting engaged herself too...on the 17th of June. yep people...all happening this yr...like next month and next, next month! I'm really happy for them. I mean i noe Ayu has been saving up for so long and I know Lis's family wants something official to happen soon. So to the both of you, CONGRATULATIONS!

How do i feel? Very elated for them of course...and that's the onli option I wld take coz if not, it wld be depressed. Heheh...but I refused to allow self-pity for different people go thru different paths at different rates. To all the people whom I've mentioned earlier on...I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU ALL AND I WISH ONLY HAPPINESS AND PROSPERITY FOR YOUR FUTURE WITH YOUR OTHER HALF!

To people who are not going to settle so soon, including myself, let's just enjoy our singlehood and do watever you can before U settle down. For me, I nd to travel to as many countries as possible before I settle down. I want to get married one day but i'm kinda not ready mentally for it. I juz want to live life without too much commitments at the moment. Of course i'd get excited when I see anyone getting married and I wld daydream of how my own wedding might turn out to be. But hey! There's no harm in dreaming right? At least i noe one day, insya-Allah, I'll be there but for now, i shd do wat i have to.

Now with so many ceremonies happening, I'm cracking my head as to what i shd buy for these newly-weds or newly-weds to be. I've thought from blender to a vacuum cleaner. From the most practical to the most outrageous. Help me out pple! Pls tag if u have any suggestions yah?

For my own good news....I'm definitely going to Perth this time coz i have a fren going with me....MY BEST FREN MAS... She needs a holiday...and I need a fren...so..wahlah! She's coming with me to Perth! YEAYYYY!! If everything goes well, we will set off for Perth on the 1st of July. I can't wait! Hakim is going to fetch us from Perth Airport and upon hearing the news that Mas is coming along, he's already planning as to the places he wanted to bring us both to. Hakim such a dear to me. So sweet and considerate. I'm just very thankful that he's my bf. I can't wait to see him soon...and also my two other perth frens, Shera and Ariana!

Well, I'm going to stop here for today. I have more stories so I'll be writing very soon before i set off to be immersed in my Malay wedding culture/heritage/family bonding days. So see ya peeps very soon!

No Hablo Español

2005-05-21T15:41:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a good day. I went out with my best fren, Su. Being addicted to Start Wars, we both decided to watch Start Wars the second time ard. This time we watched the digital version. Blur me dun realize any difference but Su felt it was much better. Though the second time ard, this is one of those rare mocies that I can watched the second time and not feel bored. I still love the movie. For me, sumtimes there's no more element of surprise if I watch more than once. Twice will be the furthest I wld go. Like a few years back, I watched Gladiator twice: Once with frens and 2nd time with the family. Let's juz say that even though I love the movie, by the second time ard, I was dead asleep! That was the first time I slept in the movie theatre. Hehe!
Anyway, I watched the second time, and I still cried at the same parts that touched my heart. CAN'T HELP IT MAN! But twice is enuff. I finally understood the impact of the story line. Hakim watched Star Wars in Perth too. He agreed the movie was good but he was expecting much more. He said he kinda had higher expectations. Oh well, at least he enjoyed himself after paying A$11 for the movie ticket.
So, after the movie, Su bought the original trilogy at Sembawang, which happens to be cheapest price in Singapore. A bit tempted to buy myself but I had to approach my Baba and all and ask his opinions on spending $108 on 4 DVDs. Hakim thought its too expensive. Hehe.
Then, I went to pray at Al-Falah before heading down to Burger King for Dinner. It was 6+pm and Su upsized her Mushroom Swiss meal to get the Star Wars cup aka Tumbler. Dun be shocked coz she's like the ultra Star Wars fan from the beginning. I got influenced by her. She's the original one. She collects everything that has got to do with Star Wars. Years back she bought a Pepsi bottle with Obi-Wan Kenobi aka Ewan Macgregor on it. She was juz soo proud of it whilst I was juz plain puzzled and amused! Whoever wants to date her must love Star Wars and LOTR. MUST!!
Then, we went for our free introductory class to SPANISH class. Yes pple. Español!
It was sheer fun and laughter. I was juz amazed by how beautiful Spain is coz the instructor showed a video on Spain and its people. Then Colin, our El Maestro, the teacher, introduced us to 300 characters Of Spanish vocab which includes greetings, nouns, verbs and adjectives. It was kinda full house and Colin was juz amusing. Believe it or not, I was falling for the language. Truthfully, I dun mind taking it up and learn it. At least I have a new passion or hobby. It was nice wen i can pronounce the words and learn the Spanish alphabets and how it is supposed to be pronounced. MAkes me sound realli...Spanish...lol!
So after 2 hours, we lfound a brochure on learning Mandarin from the same centre. Su wanted to learn Mandarin coz she feels it wld help her in the future. I agree knowing the demand for Mandarin-speaking pple in the job market.Actualli, wat the ads realli mean is they wanna hire Chinese not non-Chinese. So there u go, the so-called multi-racial Singapore. Sheesh! Anyway, I dun mind taking up Mandarin. It wld be helpful.
Truthfully, I always wanted to upgrade my arab language studies. Been looking thru the papers for sooo many months and weeks and I have yet to see the article or ad on the arab course by a certain company that I was targeting for. The search was frutiless till today. Finally, after so many months, I found it! Alhamdulillah. I juz felt really elated wen I saw the ad. Proves that I realli yearn to learn Arab again. D, if u r reading this, let me noe if u r interested ok. For any of u out there too, feel free to ask me yeah if u r interested. For me, I'm taking it Insya-Allah. Regardless whether I have friends to do it with me or not. As for Spanish and Mandarin, I'm interested, but I have to look at my schedule first. Watever it is, I believe learning any language is beneficial. Shall make it a pt to learn more.
Got home and chatted with Hakim till 3+am. I love u baby. Always do Insya-allah. I beleiev I'm jus very blessed to have u in my life. I ebleiev all my prayers have paid off. And I'm praying harder that U'll be the one I'll spend the rest of my life with. Amin.

May the force be with you

2005-05-19T02:04:00.000+08:00

For your info, I have typed a long entry last week. Unfortunately, the first time I accidentally deleted the whole entry and when I did re-type it again, blogspot was under maintenance so I cannot save nor publish the second entry. Since I failed twice to get it published online, I gave up for it became too tiring to repeat everything thrice!

So wat was I doing for the past few weeks?

Last week: I organized a chalet for my NIE frens alongside with Jowena, Josephine, Callie and Angeline. For my debut try-out at organizing events, it went well. Guests came, simple bbq food, good company and laughter. Everything was organised, simple and free and easy. The chalet was kept clean at most times and the food was great. I loved the chalet coz its bigger than the costa sands east coast that I'm used to. The first thing I tot of wen I enetered was to organized 2 more chalets there at Aloha Loyang - once for my family and relatives, another for my beloved S02. Hopefully it can happen. Basically, I've enjoyed myself. Had great conversations with the gals, we got to noe one another very well and not to mention the laughters and card games that was all the more entertaining as time goes by. Glad I did the chalet with them. We plan to do it again at the end of the yr and will invite more guests the next time ard.

This week: Been trying to wake up early but its becoming more challenging day by day. This is a personal fight for me. I have to overcome this!
I had a great three-way conversation with Shak and Nonie over MSN on Sunday. It's nice to have the three of us 'sitting' together and sharing experiences and news of one another. I love them so much. In fact, we're making a point to meet up every Sunday night. Shak's doing well with her volunteering work with FAS while Nonie is enjoying her life in Monash. She has taken up photography and she's started to play Rugby again.
The mention of rugby brought me back to my past. Eversince JC, 2001, the very mention of Rugby made me winch or basically, I dun wanna have anything to do with it. But wen i see Nonie started playing again, I begin to recall the very reason y I played Rugby in the very first place. The reason was simple: I loved it! I loved it sooooooooo much one can see me going ard school with a big Nike sling bag filled with my Rugby-soccer boots, my track pants, my rugby shirt and my toileteries. The bag is big enuff for 'Gilbert' aka the rugby ball, but I'd prefer to hold Gilbert in my hands while walking instead of hiding it in my bag. Well, I was a teen, and I was proud to be associated with Rugby coz its a tough game.
My passion for Rugby started In TKGS. Those were the times wen the game was purely fun and the company was great. The game actualli brought me and D close. Ironically not so much whilst in TK, but more so after TK, esp wen we both entered Blacks, a Rugby Club in Spore. In Pioneer, the objective for the game has changed. Rugby had turned more competitive and pressurizing and also there're the elements of politics and strategies for the team. For me personally, I had forgotten to have fun, and slowly, it eats on me and slowly, I totally forgot why I loved the game so much that I just stop playing it. A few weeks ago I was at a store and I saw Gilbert. I held it and threw it up. It brought back so many memories and I felt an odd but happy and settled feeling in me. I had not touched the ball for a long time but there i was, somewat making a connection to the past, the old me. But wen i tink long enuff, I've realised it was in me all along. It's still me. Rugby is still me, is still part of me and will always be in me. It gave me the drive to start playing rugby again. But I hv not much opportunities now. So if the opportunity comes, I'll take it up! I guess i'm brave enuff now to leave the past behind and envelope the future.

Ok, I juz came back from watching Star Wars with the family. Episode 3 was heart wrenching for me and I've learnt some lessons myself.

Heart wrenching : To see Anakin suffer so much but end up not getting wat he wanted. Seeing Amidala very disappointed with Anakin and lost the will to live any longer after she gave birth to the twins, Luke and Leia. There was this line that I can never forget. It was wen she met Anakin in a planet known as Mustafar and she found out that Anakin had turned to the dark side. She could not believe that he no longer is the Anakin she knew and she said, "U r breaking my heart!" Being the avid romance-reader I am, I was very moved by that line and I believed a tear rolled down my cheek. I noe this sound really dramatic and lame, but seriously, at that moment I can't help but feel her pain. Also the time wen she gave birth to the twins and her husband wasn't ard wen it was sumthing that the both of them was looking forward to. It was very heart wrenching to see a family separated and disintegrated - Father became the villain and had his body half-burnt and half-machine, Mother died of disappointment and heart-ache and the unborn babies separated at birth. It's a family tragedi.

Lessons learnt: Hunger and an insatiable thirst for power corrupts man! No wonder Islam always says be thankful for wat U have. Anakin was talented, great jedi knight but he was arrogant and he became impatient for glory. He wanted to be a Master but he had no patience. He was torn between his feelings and ideals. He believed that he deserved so much more and he would do anything to get it. He fears losing his loved ones soo much that it became his weakness. In the end, he became a very confused and twisted man and he was turned into a man with no soul.

Anakin reminds me of mankind, even myself. In my context, since this is my blog, I too believed I deserved sumthing so much more than just teaching. I feel like, this is not wat I wanted to do, I mean I've never yearn to be a teacher and yet I'm here. But I've learnt to be appreciative of wer I am now. And I have to be patient. If I am fated and destined for something greater, then I really would have to wait and not rush and make hasty decisions. For all i noe, teaching cld be sumthing that is not love at first sight for me but sumthing I'd learn to love as time goes by. Wen I realli think hard, I dun even have enuff reasons to hate it accept that it is stressful. Maybe, the problem started with me not accepting teaching as part of me and that i've never given it a fair chance. So, for my own well-being and sanity, I guess I have to give teaching a chance and stop whining whether I'm meant to do sumthing else than teaching!

This episode of Star Wars also made me realize that each decision we made has its effects on our loved ones. I mean, Anakin's decision to move to the dark side was coz he wanted to prevent his wife from dying during childbirth. But in the end it's this decision, that was suppose to prevent sumthing which he fears from happening, unfortunately became the catalyst for his fears to come true. There was an advice by Yoda to Anakin in the movie that goes sumthing like, "You must learn to let go." And u noe wat, that's so true. In this life, i believe, one has to learn to let go coz if u dun do it, u wun be happy and contented. Learning to let go is actually a need and not an option for us human beings. I spoke as if I noe everything, but in truth I've not. I still make the same mistakes, and sumtimes sumthings are jard to let go but in the end that's the only way out. I'm typing this down as not only to remind myself but also others.

I've also learn to be responsible over my own decisions over what or how i speak or do. Coz watever we do, it has a ripple effect on others. Doesn't matter if they're our loved ones or not. Since I'm writing in this blog of mine, I'll try to be responsible over wat i write here. To me, blogs are public diaries and not private. My private thoughts and feelings on issues that I've considered too personal to me will never be revealed here. Its only for me to know. I use this blog to share experiences and thoughts that I feel will benefit my readers. I believe in a morally responsible and true form of bibliotheraphy. Being a sensitve person, I understand how impt it is to preserve other people's feelings and I refuse to harm others thru this blog. I believe in spreading love, peace, truth and harmony. If u find it too idealistic, I dun care. But for me, its sumthing that we humans lack and sumtimes we need to turn to the light once in a while to remind ourselves the very reason for our existence. As for me, this blog is a form for me to acknowledge the fact that LIFE ISN'T SO BAD AFTER ALL!

An ambitious holiday..

2005-04-30T00:59:00.000+08:00

Alright, time to give an update on what has been happening in my life.
I'm on 3-months paid holidays. Yes people, I'm paid even though I'm bumming around. Sum people find it rather boring. Me on the other hand, lovc every moment of it. Just treasuring each blissful spared time I have because I know I will not have any ooportunity as this in the future. Yes I can be broke. But that can be overcomed by controlling my expenses. I've not shopped yet coz I'm saving my money for trips overseas. So here's a list of some of the places I wish to visit:-

With Su - KL (yea baby, can't wait for that one!)
With D - Hong Kong, Shenzen or Bali ( D, u'd better confirm with me dear. The anticipation is killing me!)
With Family - Some unplanned trip to someplace in Malaysia (will take place in early June after my kuzzin's marriage)
By myself - Perth ( This is the major trip for me. Have not got a confirmation from my parents. I'm realli hoping this one will werk out coz I wanna visit a couple of peeps there like Ariana, Shera and of course, Hakim!)

Yep, I know that's a whole lot of places. But I'm determine to make each one of them to happen. I'll juz make sure I eat home more often and shop less in Singapore. Hehe, except for the Mango sale of course!
Next, personal activites:-

Revamp my room! I'm going to clean up my mess, paint my room and lastly, get a new study table! Yup, been reading on room deco books. I actually enjoyed it!
Exercise and lose weight. - This is becoming extremely difficult for me coz rite now I'm having an exquisite love affair....WITH FOOD!!!! Everyday I crave for something to eat. Ranges from Japanese food to Pasta and I have a sweet tooth and constantly trying to find tantalizing desserts to eat. Help me! However, the exercise scene not too bad coz I've been exercising. So, I'm just giving myself room to grow but at the same time, making an effort to stick to the short and long term goals I wish to achieve.
Learn to cook curry and asam pedas during the hols. Hmmm, yep. I can cook most western food oreadi like pasta, garlice bread, pizza, baked rice, appetizers, grilled whole chicken. I can also cook some Eastern food like Chicken rice, Sambal Tumis Udang, ikan or ayam, Soup Ikan or ayam, Taugeh and Tahu goreng, Chinese rojak and roti kirai. So, I'm heading to the next level - Curry and asam pedas! Once I can cook these, I'm ready to cook everyday. One of the passions I have is cooking or anything that has got to do with food. I realli aprreciate good food! Nothing is as pleasureable as knowing that u enjoy eating good food and at the same time knowing to cook these delicious food too! What an accomplishment. Cooking to me is sumthing I enjoy. That is w/o my mum ard. I dun like to be bossed ard. Coz wen i'm in the kitchen, i'm in charge baybeh!
Learn sumthing new everyday. How? By reading of course! Or watching the discovery channel or travel & living. These 2 are my fav. Like this past week is Egypt week. Ok another passion I have is Egyptology. I've read soo much abt Egypt that it becomes sumthing that I learn by myself. I can spend hours reading anything abt Egypt in the library or on the net. Thanks Norlin for passing me a sheet of paper on Hieroglyps back in PJC. I still have it and still using it! So, I have a natural obsessions with Egypt's ancient history, religion (I dun follow the religion but juz amazed what they did for their own religion), the many temples and Gods they have (I can name some), their mentality, and the different King-Gods they have such as Ramses, his wife Nefertiti and the ever unforgettable, charming, scandalous last Pharaoh of Egypt - CLEOPATRA. I admire this woman. Not because of her liason with the famous powerful men of Rome (Julius Ceasar and Mark Anthony), but of her personality and intelligence. Do you know that she was the only pharoah that speaks 7 languages! Amazing! So I'm digressing! SORRY! So every night I make sure i read to learn sumthing new.

So there goes my plans. I have more lah. But too many can be boring yah! Anyway I wanna share with u wat happened today.
I was very domesticated today. I vacuumed the whole house, i cooked chicken rice and chicken soup. Then I prepared the food for mum wen she returns home. I dried the clothes outside during noon. Sumhow, i liked it all. LOL..wat's becoming of me!
I realized, I like to have lots of space. I'm a very private person with ezxception to the big mouth I have. I also like a slower pace of life. But that doea not mean I have a slow brain ok! Juz prefer a slower pace of life. I tink I suit country living instead.
Don't u agree?

Hatred

2005-04-29T00:49:00.000+08:00

Hello People! I'm back once again. Actually, I read my blog everyday to reply to your tags and everyday I wanted to update my blog but end up not writing anything by the end of the day because I do not feel a strong connection to the topic I thought of. Hence, I had to wait till the next muse that comes along. I'm just like that. In a way, I need to feel strongly about a certain issue before I could write about it.

So, the wierdest topic came along tonight just before I slept. You see, everytime before I sleep, I'd started thinking about good things like spending time wif my bf, me achieving my hopes and dreams, etc. Then, suddenly out of nowhere, I thought of a man, a stranger, that made me very angry before a soccer match. It was during the finals of Spore vs Indonesia. There were huge crowds and it shamed me to see the ugly side of Singaporeans - Kiasuism. Its just sickening! Anyway, I was lining up with my bf and his sis to enter the stadium compound. Then as we got closer to the entrance, everyone just started to push towards the exit. Everyone felt like real sardines and I was no exception. I was holding tightly to my bf's hand while he held his sister's so that we would stick together.

Near the entrance, sumhow, my linked-hand to my bf sumhow caused some people to not able to enter the entrance. Eventually, I had to let go after hearing the angry voice of a man. Sumhow, I managed to go thru first and as I turned around I felt really sorry that I made sum pple angry. So i wanted to say sorry to whoever that was angry. Oh believe me it wasn't difficult for me to realize the owner of the angry voice I heard earlier on. It was a Malay man. And before I could do anything, he was staring at me, giving me a cursing glance (u noe, the 'I'm not happy with u and wanna fight with u' look) and I could hear him saying sumthing bad under his breath.

Well, let's just say, I got really angry. In fact, I got really mad! But I didn't do anything. I didn't give him an angry stare. I just looked at him. My heart was pounding realli fast until it ached! I juz controlled my anger. I wished I could do something but my head told me its not worth it! I juz got realli mad that I could not do anything for myself that made me seem less docile or vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable!

Then, I realized that that man has 2 sons and a wife. The 2 sons were oblivious to wat had happened and they were just excited to watch the game. The wife however, noticed me, but she looked more nervous that angry at me. Maybe she realized that I was angry too and afraid that sumthing bad wld happen. I tink, one of the reasons I didn't react was the 2 sons. They looked so innocent. That softened my heart. It made me realized that the main reason everyone was there was for the game and not to fight. Also, I do not want the 2 sons to start remembering that day as the day their father fought with an unknown girl over a matter they cannot remember. Believe me, kids can remember all sorts of stuff when they're younger. Hence, I controlled myself and juz shared wat happened to Hakim. It's a good thing he's my bf coz he's the cool one. So he managed to calm me down.

Tonight, I suddenly remembered that man. Again, my heart ached and I got unnecessarily riled up all over again. I started to chant some prayers and sumhow, I could not let go of the anger. Then, I said to myself, "God, I cannot forgive this man. He hurt me and I'm the victim. He deserved sumthing bad to happen to him. Help me for I do not know what I shd do." Then, I closed my eyes hoping I could sleep but of course I know I can't coz i had not forgiven that stranger.

Somehow, Allah replied me in my heart and mind. I started to remember Pioneer JC. Suddenly I'm back in Yr 2. During the days of my depression. I could only see one face. Let's call him X. He's not my ex-bf. Just sumone else. And believe me, till now, I have not hated anyone else as hard as I've hated X. Noone has managed to hurt me, stripped me of my dignity and ridiculed me so successfully that let's just say because of him, my reputation in school was tarnished.

I cried practically everyday tinking how much people had hated me back then. The feeling of knowing people dun respect me, dun care about me, laughed at me and made fun of me were juz too much for me to handle. Now that I tink abt it, the pain juz comes back and I cldn't help but cry. So I hated X so much that no words could describe how revolting I regard him as a person. Worst of all, while I had to lick my own wounds, he, I believed, he led a happy life. That made me hated him even more. By the time all sorts of rumours were passed around in school, I could not care less for by then, I was trying to pick up the pieces that was left of my own life and was just concentrating on passing the A's.

The good news is, I managed to forgive X. However, that happened only 2 years later which was when I managed to get a closure to my depression. Now, I dun feel any grudges against him. I dun hate him anymore. I just let him go and let him be. I do not want to see him at the end of the world. I do not want to see him begging for my forgiveness and neither do I want to beg forgiveness to him. So best is for me to forgive him while I'm still alive. I juz hope he does the same. I genuinely hope Allah protects him from doing any evil deeds to himself or others and that he will lead a happy and fruitful life.

You might think this is too good to be true, but it isn't. It is possible! But then again it took me 2 long years to forgive him. Better now than never right?

Then, when I tink of X and all the pain he had caused me, I realised the anger and pain the stranger caused was nothing compared to what X did to me. Hence, I decided to forgive this angry stranger and pray that he could control his own temper in the future so that he could be a good example for his children.

Amin!

Holidays are here but the nightmares haunts me

2005-04-24T17:59:00.000+08:00

Well, I am going to break one of my very own rules on writing entries in a blog. I'm going to start writing about my own daily routines. Initially, I wanted to write abt issues, but I am giving myself a break from thinking too much.

Yesterday, I went out with D to a seminar on how to handle the emotional well-being of a woman. Interesting. The stories are touching and the advice were very helpful. I was very close to interviewing the educational psychologist for an article in school I'm writing, but I was so hungry, I forgot! Yes, wen I'm hungry dun mess with me! I can't think properly w/o my meals. And yes! I am writing an article for the school's magazine known as 'Voices'. Dearest fren of mine, Fids, was kind enough to allow me to. Thanks babe for this opportunity. I hope I'd do a good job with it!

So, D and I head on to Swenson's for our LUNNER - LUNCH & DINNER. I know it sounds corny people but wat the heck, I'm in such a bleargh mood right now. Oh, and did I mention that I ate the Apple Crumble!!! YUMMY! I've been fantasizing for something sweet since the exam period and it was delicious! Apple crumble aka shortcake placed in a sizzling hot pan surrounded by bits of sweet, tantalizing apples. Creamy, vanilla ice-cream scooped on top of it and a tangy, sticky, caramel sauce poured on it all as its final touch! Yes people! Are you all salivating now like I had been yesterday! FANTASTIC! Man, I should consider becoming a food critique in the future! Get paid for eating and reviewing food! MArvellous!

Then we shopped at Kinokunya! Wow, bought a book. HAd not done that for a long time. I have not shopped for a long while that it feels weird spending money on things that are not for my needs but to satisfy my wants instead. Headed on to Sultan Mosque to pray. Gosh was it packed with people! I was kinda irritated. Dun ask how I can be! But I guess I'm used to having The Sultan Mosque quiet and serene that when suddenly packs of Malay Muslim people hovered around the mosque's compound, it scared the hell out of me! Maybe, I was still in the mode of wanting peace and traquility rather than be overwhelemed by crowds. I wanted to stay on for Maghrib, but people ask for my persmission to use the telekong I was wearing (which belongs to the mosque) coz they need to pray asar and there was not much time left. Feeling rather disturbed and distratced by the busy atmosphere, I left the mosque and went home with D instead to do my Maghrib prayers at home. Little that I know that the reason for so the presence of those many people was because of the 'Maulid Nabi'. I felt ashamed that I dun even remember such an impt occasion in the name of the beloved Prophet Muhd. saw. Then again, I guess I shdn't be too harsh on myself. Shall make it a pt to remember it the next time around.

Got home, prayed both Maghrib and Isyak before watching "Muzik Extravaganza' on Suria, a collaboration between Suria and RTM. Hmm, it was ok i guess. I only watch it coz of Taufik. He's still charming but he needs to brush up his vocals coz most of the time I can't hear him.

Then, the rest of the nite, chatted and webcamed with Hakim for 1-2 hours. I missed that man. Maybe coz I loved him too much and also its the hols. Sigh. but its ok. There're plenty to be done back here in Singapore. He needs to concentrate on his studies and exams a mth away. He's stressed I can feel it. All the best dear! You can do it!

Oh, then i spend 5 hours playing SIMS 2!! Muahahaha!...It was fun. I created a new SIM which is career minded. Made her work her way up the career ladder and now, she has retired, still young and makes $3000++ per day as a 'Hall of Fame' legend athlete! Only after she gains her good name in her career did i allow her to settle down with a family with a son. Lovely! Of course, life's not that easy but I enjoy the whole process of decision making! Heheh...

That's not all! I wanted to head to bed at 4am on a Sunday morning. However, I needed to make my way to the toilet. Was soo shock to see the whole living room covered by my father's aquarium water. The carpets were soaked with fishy-smelled water and I feel like I lived in a pool-house, only that the water reeks a bit of fish poo smell!

Turns out, the aquarium's pump leaked and water flowed out of the tank. Dun ask me how coz i oso dun understand. So woke my parents up. My father's first instinct was to save his fishes and place them into a more fish-frenly atmosphere aka another tank. Oh I have many big tanks at home so he just transferred them into another big tank! Sheeshh then y need so many tanks you might ask. Dun ask me coz they're not mine! It's the big boss's one! So dun meddle with my father's stuff. Apparently, he keeps fishes as pets coz they keep him sane. So just let it be. Cest Lavie!

My mum on the other hand tried to mop the floor but after almost half-an hour and the floors' water level never decreases, she decided to push the water out of the door of the house. And all this took place 4+ am in the morning! Yes, that's true! And wer was I. I was in my room sleeping and making saliva marks on my pillow. I feel like after all those hard work I did for my SIM, I deserve the break.

YEAH RIGHT!

Back once more!

2005-04-23T01:02:00.000+08:00

Yes, yes, yes! I'm back!

People have been asking me to update. Well I will from now. Just that past weeks have been very packed up with work and I told myself to prioritize. So I've kept my word to myself and back once more. Hope u peeps like the new skin! Do tag too ok?

Karma

2005-03-17T01:21:00.000+08:00

It's been quite sumtime since i've updated this blog of mine. Not that I dun care for it anymore. I very much do! Juz soo many things have happen, the good, the bad, the sadness and the happiness. But one thing's for sure, there were a lot more tears lately, both good and bad for the past 3 weeks. And I have to admit it's been a while since I've been that emotional.

Do you believe in Karma? I noe I'm not supposed to, but I have to believe in fate and that our decisions as human beings have its repercussions some way or the other. Or better known as 'What goes around comes around'.I shamefully admit that there were many times I've managed to hurt people around me. Doesn't matter if they're close to me or not. Sometimes not on purpose, very rarely I would be sadistic enough to do it, but i believe the latter happened more in the past then since after JC. Pioneer JC was a serious significant part of my life. Both good and bad.

BAd = Broke up with my bf at that time, bad reputation in school, failed terribly as a leader due to me being emotionally unstable, went into depression and never ever passed my exams till the real A's itself.

GOOD=In the midst of all the chaos and uncertainty, amongst the confusion and depression I went into, I've realised that there were a handful of people who stood by me thru thick or thin. They shine soo bright, such a contrast to the black background of deceit, lies and heartaches. These people were constantly giving me hope and supported me all the way despite the fact that there were many times I wanted to give up There were any times I made the same mistakes again and again and yet they were ever so ready and patient to be there for me. I can't thank you people more.

1) My beloved family, for understanding the pain and hardship I had to struggle emotionally and mentally. My parents and bro stood by me thru thick and thin. Though how I felt remained unspoken, it was very visible for I am one who's transparent abt emotions. Thru them, I learned the value of honesty and courage to move on.

2) My two wonderful bestfrens, Mas and Su. Thank you Mas for supporting me again and again and making me feel like I could conquer anything. Your maturity and calmness in handling any difficult situations has definitely showed me what a true pillar of strength means. And thank you Su, for supporting me thru my studies and giving me a gd listening ear and for being a good critique to me. Your feedback and care and concern had certainly made me sumone who's able to accept any criticisms from others. You r indeed one of the very few good character critiques I've ever met.

3) I have to mention this gal, Yenny. I'd remember distinctly how I cried sooo hard at the back of the hall in JC and I needed to tok to sumone. I called everyone I could remember but none was available except Yenny. W/o a thought, she came finding me, sat beside me, calmed me down and listened. Dear Yenny, if only I knew how much u've supported me, the only thing I regretted was not making the first call to you.

4) Shak and Nonie. My sistas! They see me practically everyday in school. These two gals are very special to me. Though we were all struggling with our A's in our own ways, how lucky I am to have met u people. Thank you Shak for always being the sensible one though there were times you were a bit cuckoo! Shak's sensibility has proven to me that not all problems need to be solved by force. Sumtimes, the softer approach works better. She made an effort to know what's wrong. And Nonie, all I could say was she's one tough gal. She never gives up. She tries and tries again until she get what she wanted. Her persevearance really pathed the way for me to wat it means by never giving up! But excluding her inner strength, she's actually one soft cookie inside. To you both, I hope you gals are able to achieve what you've always strive for !

9) SO2 - Lol. U guys might not noe this. But u were the ones who kept me sane in the last 6 mths in PJC. At that point of time, I thought I had not many frens. But u people cheered me up everyday with your silly antiques and dumb jokes. You gave me reason to look forward to school. I'm soo glad we're all still keeping in touch and I hope all of u noe that we're one speacial class - FOREVER!

Along the dark path in 2001, these people became my guiding light and my hope. Allah had been too kind by listening to my prayers and granting my wishes. He did not bring me out of PJC abruptly, but he showed me the true gems of my life. And i intend to keep them that way. Alhamdulillah. YOU ARE THE ONLY REASON I AM STILL ALIVE OH GOD!

Dear readers, in life, there'll be times when you'll fall and sumtimes you'll fall real hard in life. But no matter what you go thru, never ever give up hope. Juz look ard you, and I have every faith that no matter what happens, there'll be someone, somewer, who will extend their hands to you to help you get up back and continue this rocky journey of ours known as life. My point is, never take anyone for granted. Never ever. And never make enemies. If you've hurt sumone whether intentionally or unintentionally, make peace with them as soon as possible for you would not know wen your life will end. It could happen tomorrow or even now. So make peace while you still have time. If you have enemies or people who hurt you badly, never hold a grudge for grudges and hatred only kills your soul. Let everything go and even though you might not meet them ever, somehow, be brave and forgive them in your heart for you have to remember they're like you also, humans with flaws. Let it go and forgive them in your heart. Never ever take revenge against others coz it will bring you nothing except self-destruction. It's only after the release of any emotional baggage will you be able to look in front and move on. Remember that you're here on Earth for a reason and life is full of so many different kinds of battles. It's up to you which battle you want to win...Think about it carefully.

So I would like to take this opportunity to those whether or not mentioned above, anyone out there who's reading my blog. If I've ever hurt you in one way or another, I'm terribly sorry. I honestly do not mean to. My irrationality is my weakness. I hope you're able to forgive me in one way or another......

The painful irony

2005-03-05T23:21:00.000+08:00

So it's a Saturday...FINALLY! After spending the late Friday nite surfing the net and updating this blog of mine, at least i have the reason to wake up late which was ard 10pm. As per normal, every Saturday is cleaning the house day. So after an hour of vacuuming the whole house and washing the toilet (which is the assigned duty for me in the house), I played my favourite PC game - SIMS 2. Hello...I can seriously play it for 6 hours straight and not sleep, just so I could make sure my Sim was able to achieve certain tasks or certain aspirations that it wanted.

Then, it hit me. The painful irony of life.

THE PAINFUL IRONY - Well, in the game, each SIM has its own aspiration, which depends on what you have chosen for the SIM. And your aim is to make sure that your SIM is happy by fulfilling its aspirations while avoiding its fears. So we play and make sure our SIM work hard enuff to attain happiness/satisfaction, or in this case, certain platinum coloured aspiration code. So the best part of having SIM is, just with the click of a button, we somehow force our SIM to work for its own goals. JUZ BY A CLICK ON THE MOUSE.

Well, obviously this must not be true for us in real life. We humans have many other challenges that we have to face in our daily lives that somehow deters us from doing our work. Well, good examples such as bad mood, laziness, the incessantly too hot or cold weather, headaches, etc. Hmm, am I right or am I juz listing down lame excuses each human might have thought of in order to juz avoid doing something that is ultimately good for them even though it could be a little bit difficult for them? Are we human beings short changing ourselves through the smallest uncomfortable situations we're in just so that we could gain comfort? If we are, then it could be possible that we sacrifice the small chance for us to gain something that we really want in life? If only we could juz ignore all the challenges and focus on how and what we want to attain in this life. If only we could get wat we wanted with juz a CLICK OF A BUTTON!

In reality, most of us would juz prefer these challenges to overcome us juz so we could remain in our comfort zone - the zone wer u dun have to go through rigorous conditions that forces you to perform better than u expect u could reach. I believe I have many times done this. But even though I know life is not as simple as a click of a button, I'm sure everyone knows that one has to work hard to get wat he/she wants. But, it's seriously easier said than done. As i played SIms 2, I realised that the benefits of concentration and focus are seriously great! Do u remember the last time u seriously put in a lot of effort in somthing coz u want it to work soo badly and u juz give ur utmost attention to making it work? Do u remember the feeling of juz accomplishing the work? I remembered clearly how great it felt. The feeling of knowing you've done your very best. It's as if, you have conquered the world. Maybe, I should try to focus more often.

Now, i'm sure SIMS is a popular game and many loved playing it. But y do we enjoy it? Do we enjoy playing it because we enjoy reaching our SIM's goals or are we pretending we're the SIMS reaching those goals? Or is it because we enjoy playing it because we're reliving something we know we couldn't achieve in real life? When i put it that way, sometimes it sounded depressing. I'd rather believe that I love playing SIMS because it is fun and it gives me hope about my own life. Wat do u tink?

To be or not to be

2005-03-04T23:57:00.000+08:00

Well, it's my first blog entry. Somehow maybe the norm would be to tok abt wat happened during the day or something like that. But I'm not going to do that. I'm going to tok about 'AMBITION' ! You know it! Yes its the same hopes and dreams u have wen u were a child and something you yearn to achieve once you grow up...Do u remember it?

Well, as for mine, i tink it has taken me to a path way far from my original dreams. Wen I was a kid, I'd remember clearly that I told my Mama that I wanted to be a Doctor. Well, being the intelligent-but-not-hardworking gal I am, let's just say all those taste has turn to waste! Wat doctor? Far from it!

Now that I am going to turn 22 this year, I begin to wonder wat have I done for myself lately. At least something realli good for myself. The only time i felt real success was in TMC coz the grades were juz excellent and also the time i sat for my driving test. But other than that, i fail to recount anything that seriously, truly made me feel proud of myself. People have their O'levels or their A'levels to boast about. Or even the coveted entry into any course in NUS or NTU. All those did come across my path, but I believe, and have to admit, that somehow, I have thrown it out of the window. In other words, I honestly have to admit i have failed to take the opportunity and make full use of it. Sad but true.

Knowing this week was the week wer the O's and A's were released, i can't help but to remember those days wen I received my results. I tink I expected alot from myself but was never able to achieve them proper.

Have u ever ask yourself why u r in a position less favourable than wat u have planned or wanted so far in your life? Have you ever wondered wat went wrong? Have u ever wondered that somwer, somehow, you have have actualli cheated yourself, your hopes and dreams?....I do...

It's easier to blame on fate but realli, we're the ones making the smallest decisions in life. Looking back now, I believe that if we humans are to get unhappy or dissatisfied with so many things in our past, then we will neva be fulfilled. Hence, at the end of the day, i seek comfort knowing that at least i have learnt something from all my experience in my life and i am juz very thankful that at the very least, I have those few people whom I can consider as people closest to my heart. People who have enriched my life with not ambition, but LOVE!

I am not rich with wealth neither am I rich with grades or career. But I am proud to announce to the whole world that I am rich ....with LOVE......

Help me with this blogging thang!

2005-03-04T20:29:00.000+08:00

Okie people...I need help! Please help me edit this blog of mine. I love the skin but...i nd a tagboard...wer can i get it? And how come it only covers half the page eh? Please add comments..thanx!

Welcome everyone!

2005-03-04T19:32:00.000+08:00

Due to the fact that I've been spending much of my time online and have been reading quite a number of my friends' blogs, I have decided to pen down my thoughts too. You can decided whether I have caught onto the blogging fever...or...better known as...'I've got nothing betta to do!' So peeps, I hope you all enjoy reading my blog religiously as I have done to most of yours and feel free to drop any comments (be nice please) yah!

Till the next blog, see ya!